Straight Talk Advice

No-nonsense “Am I Gay or Lesbian?” test

Jun 02, 2015

Sexual-orientation confusion — not the junk you need

Dear Straight Talk: Can you please run your no-nonsense “Am I Gay?” test from your website. It followed your [APR 28] column about the girl worried she was gay even though she’d always had crushes on boys. My kids are confused as well and this will help them. —Grateful Parent

Dear Grateful: Glad to. A percentage of the human population is naturally gay or bi. The medical establishment — and more and more states — condemn conversion therapies which try (with great damage) to change people from gay to straight. Along with 61 percent of Americans, I’m a huge supporter of gays and gay marriage. We are happiest when we can just be ourselves. An unintended consequence of LGBT acceptance is that multitudes of young straight people are now agonizing over their orientation. I did what the kids do and took several top-ranked Internet tests for both lesbian and gay determination. They were shockingly baseless, full of celebrity- and brand-name dropping, adding to the utter confusion for the sake of profits. Just as gay people are harmed by trying to be straight, so can straight people be harmed trying to be gay. To help kids sort themselves out, I wrote this common-sense test: 


1. Are you a boy or girl? This is a huge clue because in your school of, say, 2000 students, only 32 are truly gay, and 14 truly bi. It’s a small club. Most of you are agonizing needlessly or switching horses due to confusion, societal pressure, clarification purposes, or as a solution to trauma. (Population figures are from the 2013 National Health Institute sexual-orientation survey of 34,557 adults: 96.6 percent identified as straight, 1.6 percent as gay, 0.7 percent bisexual; 1.1 percent unsure.)

2. Thinking back to Kindergarten or even 3rd grade (before consuming 33,000-46,000 screen hours of TV, movies, games, pornography and Internet junk food), who did you have crushes on? Girls or boys? Your answer is another huge clue.

3. When you think about having gay or lesbian sex, do you feel confused and/or sick? Most likely, unless you had same-sex or bi crushes as a child, feeling confused and/or sick isn’t a sign of denial! It’s your body’s clue that this isn’t your orientation.

4. Imagine a gorgeous opposite-sex guy or girl approaching you with a big smile. Do you feel weak, flushed with heat, and/or suddenly faint? Another body clue. If yes, I'd bet money you're straight. If no, look at Clue 2 and 3 and see if you might be gay.


Below are several reader comments (paraphrased) from our website:


By L., 14: This is a great relief! Based on my answers, I think I must be straight! Growing up, I had crushes on boys and always fantasized marrying (a man). I’m still much more attracted to guys, however since puberty, I feel stimulation with certain girls… yet the idea of girl-to-girl sex sickens me.

By A.H., 17: I also worried sick that I might be gay when I was your age. However, the feelings slowly dissipated. I now think if you’re confused, you’re probably not gay. My little sister, 13, recently came to me all afraid. I’m going to show her this column. Thank you Straight Talk!

By Joy, 18: A.H. is correct. If you were gay you wouldn’t be having anxiety that you “might” be gay. Long before puberty, I knew I wanted to be with girls, not boys. 

By Janine, 16: It was the same for me. Before I even knew about being gay, I knew I wanted to marry a girl, not a boy. 

By T.L., 16: This confusion also happens to guys. I think I’m straight, since I’m much more attracted to girls… but I sometimes get disturbing sexual feelings toward guys, yet the thought of actual sex makes me nauseous.

Editor’s Note: Frankly, I expected to immediately find a no-nonsense test like this on the Internet and was really insulted by the fake “junk in the trunk” I found instead. No wonder so many of you are confused — or “Q” for “questioning”. We get a lot of mail on this and the angst and suffering seem very intense.

This test is here to help. There is nothing wrong with being homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, or asexual — and nothing morally wrong with consensually experimenting if that’s what you did or feel you must do to be sure of your orientation. That said, because we are such sensitive creatures, especially around sex, self-pressured, peer-pressured, confused, unconsented (i.e., drunk/high), or otherwise awkward sexual experiences tend to have long-lived negative effects on one or both of the partners — and the younger or more vulnerable you are when you have them, the worse the effects can be. The point of this test is to help steer you toward finding out who you are sooner so you can avoid a traumatic episode and grow up able to attract a loving partner and create a connected, intimate and fulfilled adult sex life! It’s the best thing humans have going and I want you to have that.

The trouble with sex is that when it gets messed up young, you don’t even know what you’re missing later on – that’s why I say delay, delay, delay sex till you’re older and can bounce back if you do have a bad experience. 

Bravo for all the kind, compassionate LGBT support streaming from so many of you. If it is 61% in the general population, I’m guessing it’s in the 90% range for young people. You are truly ushering in the age of acceptance. Now, let’s add honoring and accepting those who are straight. You’re alright, too, LOL! Go SLGBT’s! —Lauren

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  1. By R.G., age 17, from Carmichael, CA on 06/02/2015

    I had concerns like this for a long time, since I sometimes got sexual feelings seeing other girls’ nude bodies.  I didn’t really think I was gay since I was much more attracted to guys and found the thought of actually having sex with another girl abhorant, but did fantasize about sex with guys.  Taking the test when it was in Straight Talk recently made me feel even better since based upon my answers to the questions, I’m definitely straight!

    Like A.H., I also have a younger sister who now has these concerns.  She wasn’t used to seeing any other girls nude except for me since we share a room and the bathroom (even “on the facility”) and see each other nude every day with no shyness and her best friend who she has sleepovers with and her friend’s sister who shares her room, and she never got sexual feelings seeing any of us nude.  However, she started middle school this year where they change in the locker room and see each other in their thongs and with the warmer wearther also have started taking showers and seeing each other nude.  She’s also started going to slumber parties where the girls all undress in front of each other.  Seeing the other girls this way sometimes gives her sexual feelings, so she’s scared to death that she’s gay even though she’s been “boy crazy” ever since she started puberty and has confided in me about a certain boy she has a big crush on.  I had her take the test when it was in Straight Talk before, but she’s still worried that she could be gay because of these feelings and I don’t know how to convince her.

    R.G.

    Reply to this comment

  2. By C., age 16, from Lodi, CA on 06/02/2015

    My answers to #‘s 1, 2, and 4 indicate that I’m not gay.  It’s #3 that concerns me even though it was only 1 time.  My stepsister convinced me to “experiment” with girl/girl sex while sharing a room and bed during a visitation.  Even though it was her idea, we’re the same age and I was an equal participant, so I can’t really blame her.  What scares me is that I “came” if you know what I mean, so I’m scared that I could be gay if I came with another girl.  We both felt guilty and ashamed afterwards and agreed to ask for separate beds so that it wouldn’t happen again, using the excuse that we were uncomfortable and had trouble sleeping in the same bed and they got us separte beds and we haven’t done anything like that again.  We still share a room on visitations and undress in front of each other and see each other naked, but I feel no sexual stimulation when I see her nude body and don’t get the feeling that she does either when she sees me.  We both have boyfriends.  So I keep telling myself that I’m not gay and neither is she, but it still worries me that I came with another girl and I wish like anything that it had never happened.

    C.

    Reply to this comment

    1. By L.R., age 16, from Santa Ana, CA on 06/02/2015

      I think you can be pretty confident that you’re not gay since this is was a one-time incident, you felt guilty and ashamed, and haven’t had the desire to do it again.  In addition, you were smart enough to ask for separate beds and feel no stimulation when you see each other nude.  The fact that you came standing alone doesn’t mean that you’re gay.  My best friend and I had been sharing a bed during sleepovers at her house since we were 8 years old with no problem.  Then one night when we were 14, on a lark, we decided to “experiment” and I reached a climax.  We did it a few more times, but after that it was “been there, done that,” and we had no desire to do it any more.  We did decide that it was best not to share a bed any longer because of this, so my friend asked her mom to get twin beds for her room so that we could have separate beds during our frequent sleepovers.  We’ve never done any thing like this again, and I never really worried that I was gay even though I also “came” like you did.  I see other girls nude all the time and it has never given me sexual feelings.  I share a room with my sister and see her every day and also see me friends during sleepovers and slumber parties and in the locker room and it means nothing to me, but I am very attracted to boys, so I’m confident that I’m not gay.

      I do think that bed sharing is best avoided.  I know that many people see nothing wrong with 2 straight girls sharing a bed, but based on my experience (and yours) it can lead to inappropriate activity and shame and guilt, so I think it should be avoided.  But experimenting a few times doesn’t mean that you’re gay.  (Not that there’s anything wrong with that like they say on Seinfeld!)

      L.R.

      Reply to this comment

    2. By LAUREN, from StraightTalkAdvice.org on 06/08/2015

      Dear C—Like others who wrote with similar experiences (L.R. and Allie and maybe some others—thank you for sharing), I agree that having an experience like this does not mean you are gay. The fact that you regret it and don’t want to repeat it could help form another “clue” question: “If you did experiment with a same-sex partner for whatever reason, did a part of you feel regretful, guilty, ashamed, awkward, not true to yourself, and/or know you didn’t want to do it again?” If yes, this is a major clue that you are going against your nature and are straight. If no, then you have to again look at all the clues and see if you might be gay.

      If you are straight and this happened, just let it go and go forward. There is so much confusion right now, so forgive yourself. If you do feel stuck around it, though (and some do… both things are okay), definitely see a counselor who you feel comfortable talking with so you can move on from it in a positive manner.

      Again, there is nothing wrong with either orientation, and some people are bi as well. An older bisexual woman wrote in some time ago with the same thing we are hearing here from gays: that she was not confused about whether she was bi, she had always had crushes on both boys and girls growing up, long before she knew what the word meant.

      I hope this helps! I love how all of you help each other on this comment board!—Love, Lauren

      Reply to this comment

  3. By wonder, age 22, from South Africa, Gauteng, Bronkhostspruit, Ekangala on 06/03/2015

    I’m a confused woman… One moment I’m lesbian the next I’m not and whilst I’m christian… I need to find myself first for this is causing a lot of friction in my head … I need help.

    Reply to this comment

    1. By LAUREN, from StraightTalkAdvice.org on 06/08/2015

      Dear Wondering—I recommend taking time to connect with your body which holds the truth. Our minds can be very confusing. Yoga classes are very helpful for connecting with the body. If you have been through trauma in your life, especially sexual trauma, that also can cause a lot of confusion. If this is you, see a counselor who is skilled in trauma and ask for EMDR, which is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing treatment, along with talking, that can help your body sort out the trauma. Yoga, is again, also recommended. Just know that YOU are 100% okay no matter what your orientation. Just love yourself, even in your confusion and seek someone who will help you find honest answers and not be prejudiced against any of the orientations. Some in the religious community have this kind of negative judgement, even though Jesus never would have. He would also just want you to be YOU. I hope this help.—Love, Lauren

      Reply to this comment

  4. By Allie, age 16, from Petaluma, CA on 06/03/2015

    I agree with L.R. that experimenting a few times with girl to girl sex does not mean that you are gay.  It might be a different story if you got hooked on it and made a practice of it.  My best friend and I experimented a few times and yes, I “came.”  But it never made me worry that I was gay.  I’m not saying that it is a good thing to experiment like this and based on my experience I would not recommend it, but it doesn’t mean that you are gay. 

    When I started puberty and began having sexual feelings, I started feeling attraction to both attractive guys and girls, but much more so with guys, so again, I never worried about being gay.  I never saw any guys my age nude (not even my brother unlike some I’ve read about in Straight Talk, and would never have let him see me), but seeing girls with attractive bodies nude sometimes gave me stimulation.  I share a room with my older sister and never got these feelings seeing her, probably because I’d been sharing a room with her my whole life so seeing her nude was “old hat” by then.  But seeing her best friend who has large breasts and an attractive body nude when she spent the night in our room did stimulate me in the beginning.  By the time I was 14, I stopped having any such feelings about other girls and have only felt attraction to guys, so I’m definitley straight, although I never seriously worried about it anyway. 

    I really do not think that either experimenting or feeling stimulated by other girls’ bodies standing alone means that you are gay, and the questions in the column provide good guidance on this issue.  I also agree with those who say that if you are gay you will know it and will not worry that you “might be gay.”  And even if you are gay, so what?

    Allie

    Reply to this comment

  5. By P.K., age 16, from Anaheim, California, USA on 06/03/2015

    It’s been a great relief to me when I read in Straight Talk that many girls get feelings about other girls and that it doesn’t mean that your gay!  It sounds kind of stupid now, but I actually thought that I was probably the only one who got feelings like this and thought there was something really wrong with me.  To make it worse, when I was starting puberty, I got these feelings seeing my little sister’s friend’s naked when they spent the night in our room that we share and they undressed.  I didn’t get these feelings when I saw my own sister naked (thank God!) but I did when I saw her friends even though their bodies hadn’t even begum puberty. For some reason I didn’t get these feelings seeing my friends my age naked.  I never even considered acting on these feelings.  That would be unthinkable!  However, I still felt tremendously guilty about just having the feelings and was worried sick that I was gay.  However, the more I matured, the more the feelings started going away and now they are totally gone, much to my relief, and I know that I am totally straight.

    P.K.

    Reply to this comment

  6. By Alexis, age 19, from Davis, CA on 06/04/2015

    I am gay and agree with those who say that if you are gay you will know it, and if you are confused and wonder if you might be gay, you are probably straight and just having the confusing feelings that come with pubety.  I didn’t need to take the test to know that I am gay, but taking it confirms it.  I knew I was gay even before puberty and was never confused.  However, I kept my feelings to myself in the beginning as everything I heard portrayed it as something horrible.  I came out as a teenager and it really wasn’t that bad.  My family and friends were very accepting and the homophobia at school wasn’t nearly as bad as I feared, although it did exist to some extent.  The undressing and nudity issues that have been written about so much in Straight Talk were no problem whatsoever for my sister with whom I shared a room or with my friends. 

    I do feel an attraction when I see an attractive girl just like a straight guy would or a straight girl would when she sees an attractive guy.  However, I do not get sexually excited by seeing other girls’ private female sexual parts.  I have the same parts, so what would there be for me to get excited about?  I actually find it more attractive when I see an attractive girl with at least some clothes on than when I see someone nude.  Seeing my sister or my friends nude never raised sexual issues for me. 

    I’m now in college and being openly gay has not been any problem at all.  I have a girlfriend, but we decided that it would be best for us not to be roommates as neither of us is ready for a serious commitment.  We both have straight roommates who have no problem with our sexual orientation and the undressing issue is a total nonissue for all of us.

    Alexis

    Reply to this comment

  7. By M.D., age 15, from Seaside, CA on 06/05/2015

    The test and the comments also help ease my anxiety.  I never really thought I was gay as I’m much more attracted to guys and have absolutely no desire to have sex with another girl.  However, I sometimes get sexual stimulaiton from seeing other girls nude and find it stimulating for others to see me and sometimes go out of my way to be nude in front of everybody at slumber parties and in the locker room trying to act totally casual, like “we’re all girls so it doesn’t matter,” but inside I feel excited.  However, if the test is accurate as well as the other comments on the issue are, I’m not gay but just having confusing feelings, which hopefully will go away when I get a little older.  I used to have to share a bed with my stepsister during visitations and also sometimes felt stimulated next to her in bed as well as when I saw her nude and she was very casual in front of me.  But now we have separate beds, so I’m confident that nothing that shouldn’t happen will happen.

    M.D.

    Reply to this comment

  8. By Hillary, age 37, from Sylvania, OH on 06/06/2015

    My 13 year old daughter has confided in me that she is worried that she is gay, but I really feel that at her young age it is just the confusing feelings that come with puberty.  However, I am unable to assuage her anxiety.  The only other girls she sees nude are her best friend with whom she has frequent sleepovers and her older stepsisters with whom she shares a room during visitations with her father.  She says that she does not get any sexual feelings seeing her friend nude, but they have been having sleepovers and seeing each other nude since long before puberty.  She says that she does feel sexually excited when she sees her stepsisters nude and says that they aren’t shy about nudity in front of her in the bedroom, and they probably see no reason why they should be since they are all girls.  She doesn’t share a bed with either of them and has no desire to actually engage in sexual activity with them or any other girl, so I do not think there is any concern about anything inappropriate happening.

    I went over the test with her when it was previously published in Straight Talk and pointed out that her answers indicate that she is not gay and just probable having confusing feelings.  However, no matter what I say, she is still very concerned about this and I do not know how to convince her that these feelings are not uncommon and will go away as she matures.

    Hillary

    Reply to this comment

    1. By LAUREN, from StraightTalkAdvice.org on 06/08/2015

      Hillary—Even though you say she answered the questions as a person who is straight would, I think the best thing you can do is honor her confusion (difficult as that might be for you) and assure her that it will lift when the time is right for her. Assure her that you will (and do) love her no matter what her orientation is—even if it changes! And assure her that you have nothing but confidence in her process.

      She might be headstrong and need to sit with things and come to her own conclusion about who she is. Some people get quite attached to their confusion and aren’t going to give it up just like that. It’s hard to know exactly if it’s something like this, or she’s had trauma that keeps her confused, or something else. If there is no trauma in her life that you know of, I would give it some time before worrying. (Knowing that just because you don’t know about trauma doesn’t mean it’s not a possibility.)

      If she continues to be confused, I would consider getting her into things like yoga, dance, martial arts, or group choral singing, all of which bring a person into their body… this along with talk therapy can get a person grounded and help resolve past traumas, or just get emotionally healthier in general.

      I would also get her a twin bed if she doesn’t already have one (see some of the reader comments above).

      I love how everyone helps each other with such good advice and real experiences on this forum so I usually wait until the week is over to see what didn’t get answered. This may or may not be relevant, but in my answer to “C.” above, I drafted another “clue” Question for the test. The draft goes like this: “If you did experiment with a same-sex partner for whatever reason, did a part of you feel regretful, guilty, awkward, not true to yourself, and/or know you didn’t want to do it again?” If yes, this is another clue that you are going against your nature and are straight. If no, then look at all the clues again and see if you might be gay.

      This is a long answer, as there is no short one! I’d appreciate learning from you how things eventually resolve and hope you will check back in and let me/us know.—Love, Lauren

      Reply to this comment

  9. By Sally, age 42, from Santa Rosa, California on 06/07/2015

    I think there is way too much “homophobia” these days, and I do not understand why.  My daughters who are 17 and 15 are definitely straight, and there is no need for them to take the test.  Even if they were gay, I could accept it and it would not be a major issue for me.

    However, they are being accused of being gay for what I think is an incredibly stupid reason.  I recently remarried and my husband has a 10 year old daughter from his prior marriage.  She came for a weekend visitation for the first time recently.  Since we don’t have an extra bedroom, we had her share the girls’ room as it certainly would not have been appropriate for her to share a room with my 11 year old son.  So what’s the problem?  The girls aren’t shy about their bodies with other girls and since she’s a girl they didn’t give a second thought about undressing in front of her and being nude in front of her in the bedroom.  Why should they, since they are all girls?  Apparently, she had never seen a mature female’s nude body and started asking her mother all kinds of questions about things like breasts and public hair, etc. which she did not want to have to answer.  She says that the girls must be gay to “expose” themselves to a younger girl like this, which I think is absurd!  She knew that her daughter was going to share the girls’ room, so if she was worried about this, she should have said something and the girls would somehow found a way to avoid her seeing them nude.  My husband agrees that his ex is being totally unreasonable, but says that’s just the way she is.  He said she never permitted their daughter to see her undressed which is why she had never seen a mature female’s body before.  I never hid my body from my daughters, so they always knew what the mature nude female body looked like, so this was never an issue with them.  She says that she will no longer allow overnight visitations, only daytime, unless we can give her daughter a private room (which is not possible) and we can take her to court if we want to fight about it and she’s sure that she will win, but I’m not so sure. 

    My daughters did nothing more than undress in their own bedroom with another girl in the room, so they obviously did nothing wrong.  However, due to the homophobia that is becoming so common today, it has turned into a major dispute.

    Sally

    Reply to this comment

    1. By Joni, age 15, from Redding, CA, USA on 06/07/2015

      That’s just about the most stupid thing I have ever heard!  It ranks with the Straight Talk column where girls were accused of being gay for skinny dipping with their stepsister, but I think this is even more stupid.  If they’re gay because they undressed in their own room in front of another girl, then I’m gay too, and so are many, many other girls!  I share a room with my 9 year old sister.  In addition to undressing in front of her every day, I undress in front of her friends when they spend the night all the time and they see me nude. It never even entered my mind that there was anything wrong with this.  None of their moms have ever complained about them seeing my mature body or accused me of being gay.  You would just assume that any girl would have seen her mom nude if no one else, and if she’s hidden herself from her own daughter this way, the problem is hers, not your daughters’.  As with you, our mom never hid her body from us so we always knew what a mature female looked like and there is nothing wrong with that. 

      I really think you should call her bluff about threatening to take you to court over it.  I can’t imagine any family law judge would see a problem with girls undressing in the same room with other girls.  Give me a break!  The judges hear about situations much, much worse than that, so I doubt you would have a problem.

      Joni

      Reply to this comment

      1. By Sabrina, age 17, from Fair Oaks, CA on 06/08/2015

        I agree that this is totally stupid.  My mom’s a family law attorney and she just laughed when I showed her this.  She says that the Family Court judges hear about terrible things happening to children every day and wouldn’t be the least bit concerned about girls undressing in front of other girls.  I saw my best friend’s older sister nude before I had reached puberty during sleepovers in their room.  I was a little curious the first time, since I hadn’t seen developed breasts and pubic hair before but it did me no harm, and it certainly didn’t mean that she was gay.  I have younger cousins who share my room when they come to visit, and I’ve never worried about nudity in front of them and it doesn’t bother them and I am definitely not gay!

        Sabrina

        Reply to this comment

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