Straight Talk Advice

Jan 11, 2006

Saying ‘no’ a sexy response to groping

Dear Straight Talk: I am in an undisclosed grade in an undisclosed middle school and there are two girls in my class who flirt with guys almost to the point of addiction. It’s disgusting because right there in class they will let guys touch their breasts.

It goes something like this: a guy will go up to either one for what appears to be a sincere hug. While hugging he will grab her breast. Some guys reach right into the bra. I’ve known these girls since first grade, so I say to them, “Why do you let guys do that to you?” Their answer: “We can’t help it.” “That’s pathetic”, I say, “Just tell them to stop.”

It goes nowhere. When I talk to the guys, they seem to think it’s okay to do that to a girl.

I think these girls tolerate and even encourage this behavior because they don’t feel like the guys are going to like them unless they put out. Unfortunately, they are the laughing stock behind their backs. How can I get them to say no?—Undisclosed guy

Dear Undisclosed: Your analysis is right on. At some level these girls are desperate for any sign that they are lovable, because they don’t think they are. Their low self-esteem is compounded by the media which constantly presents the lesson that sex = love (if you buy product a, b, or c).

How do you get them to say no? The main thing to remember is that self-respect is a matter of conditioning and esteem. Thus, words like “pathetic” and “disgusting” don’t help because these are words the girls already say to themselves, about themselves, unconsciously.

Instead, use words and examples that cast the girls in a positive light. Tell them that one of the sexiest things a woman can do is to say no. When a female considers her body valuable enough to say no, guys will consider it valuable too. As with fine art, bystanders must refrain from touching.

From Peter, 18: While letting guys touch their breasts might bring them attention, it will also make a lot of guys look at them and say, “yeah….. er, I mean no.” Especially in high school, this kind of behavior shows them to be girls that guys can’t rely on. When it comes to girlfriends, guys are territorial. They don’t like to share.


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