Straight Talk Advice

Good porn, bad porn? It all depresses libido, focus, drive

May 19, 2015

Mom finds son’s “sickening” porn stash

Dear Straight Talk: My 16-year-old son has been “different” lately and my motherly instincts told me something was wrong. I was scared to death it was drugs and searched his room when he was at school. I did not find drugs, instead I found horrible and sickening pornography. It concerns me that he looks at such material and might be addicted to it. How do I deal with this when I admittedly invaded his privacy? —41, Lodi, California

Erin 19, Harrisburg, Pennsylvania Ask me a question

Snooping was a sound move based on your son’s behavior. When my brother was 15, I discovered he was looking at porn on my laptop. I went to my parents out of love for him — talk about an awkward conversation! Later he thanked me. It was really emotional for both of us. I divulge this to encourage you to take action. Many negative behaviors stem from porn use, including aggression, which I could see in my brother then. If there's no male figure in his life, don't deny him by being scared of calling him out and setting consequences. Start by insisting his bedroom remain open, downgrade his phone and confiscate his laptop at night to thwart late-night secrets. Help him reboot with sports, music, art, etc. This serious issue is defining our generation. Don't enable it by staying quiet.

Grant 18, Concord, California Ask me a question

You were right to search his room. His behavior showed it needed to happen. From research and personal experience getting both hooked and unhooked from porn, we males lose confidence and/or feel generally sad after watching pornography. While “horrible and sickening” porn is more troubling, any pornography has a bad effect and you need to approach him.

Samantha 23, Toledo, Ohio Ask me a question

Bottom line: He's living under your roof and you don’t want pornography in your house. Tell him frankly what you found. If he doesn’t abide by your rules, privileges (phone, computer, privacy) are revoked. Let him know you support healthy sexuality, not porn.

Karlee 18, Bentleyville, Pennsylvania Ask me a question

When my mother realized my brother, 14, was watching porn, she freaked out that he'd be a sex addict or rapist. Talking to several guy friends, I learned it's considered normal starting around 14. If it's just raunchy sex, weird as this sounds, it's not a concern. However, if it features children or shows guys beating or degrading women while having sex, that could end badly.

Andrew 25, Cloverdale, California Ask me a question

Odds are he’s looked at porn for several years and stopping won't be simple. Recruit a male mentor he feels safe talking with. A coach, scout leader or pastor may offer accountability and guidance. Besides stopping pornography use, your goal is healthy sexuality, positive body image and capacity for relationships.

Dear 41: Snooping for cause is perfectly acceptable so get over that. While actual drugs could still be involved, pornography is also a drug as far as the brain is concerned. Your brain on porn means attention deficit, low confidence, social anxiety, depression, brain fog and diminished drive. Both “normal” and “sickening” porn have these effects. Porn also suppresses physical traits. Over 50 percent of subjects in Cambridge University's study (average age 25) had difficulty achieving erections with real partners. Unfortunately, as Karlee notes, pornography is so prevalent it is mistakenly considered a non-concern. American children start watching hardcore porn as early as 6 and the average age is 11. By 16, four out of five kids regularly access online pornography.

As for any drug problem, rally help, including male mentors. Vocalize a no-pornography rule, replace smart phone with flip phone, set an open-bedroom-door policy, make laptop/computer/TV public use only, check Internet history, and monitor activities at friends’ houses. For facts and recovery support, I recommend you both read “Your Brain on Porn” and join Reddit’s NoFap movement at www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/. —Lauren

Editor’s Note: My prescription for what this mom should do may sound like a lot, but frankly, it’s not that difficult. All parents should be keeping electronics out of bedrooms, insisting on flip phones, and monitoring activities at friends’ houses throughout childhood (meaning till age 18) as a preventative. It’s worth it.

Pornography isn’t a moral issue, it’s about our kids growing up to have a good sex life and a capacity for intimacy. It’s about boys building the neurological wiring to become confident, capable, focused men — attributes that have really dropped off in the last generation.

According to the book "Your Brain on Porn," porn actually can rewire the brain suppressing many traits associated with manliness: confidence, clarity, drive, libido, erectile function, good posture, muscle tone, hair growth and low voice tone — and finding natural women beautiful and exciting (as opposed to comparing them to porn standards).

Over 50 percent of subjects in the 2014 Cambridge University study (average age 25) had difficulty achieving erections with real partners, yet could achieve erections with porn. That's just sad boys... not to mention girls and the whole human race.

The increase of both ADD and boys who lack clarity, drive and focus coincides with the advent of the Internet when a whole generation of kids (mainly boys) was watching Internet porn before anyone was paying attention. Porn affects and attracts boys more than girls because boys are hard-wired to respond to visual sexual cues. From reading accounts on the NoFap page on Reddit, many masculine traits, both physical and mental, emerge when boys get off porn.

Porn affects girls, too. Not only are plenty of girls hooked on porn, but the rest are affected by it because as Grant says in our April 7 column: “Boys are growing up sexually disrespectful to girls and girls don't take a stand because porn mannerisms have become acceptable.” [Not to mention the mainstreaming mimicking of porn fashions: implants, waxing, thong underwear, etc.]

And as Lisa said in that same column: “While some women do enjoy porn, many pretend it's exciting to avoid being labeled a prude… People assume if you're against porn, you're against sex — completely untrue. It’s time to reclaim our sexuality.”

I’ve long said that porn is ruining sex and finally we have the data to show the disastrous results. Now that the facts are out, parents need to protect and educate their children just as they do to prevent them from picking up cigarettes.

If you grew up on porn, there's hope. Read “Your Brain on Porn” and visit the NoFap site on Reddit at https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/. Judging from the many accounts there, physical signs of recovery happens quickly and give the impetus to push through to a full recovery. You deserve it. —Lauren

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  1. By June, age 27, from Phoenix, AZ on 05/19/2015

    Pornography can be a positive experience, and any attempts to remove it from your child’s life will be ineffective. How about suggesting that your child start listening to/reading Dan Savage, a sex-positive advice columnist, activist, and author? He allows porn as a part of sex in the twenty-first century, but not at the expense of true-life sex.

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  2. By M., age 15, from Southern California on 05/19/2015

    I read Straight Talk every week and find it very helpful, but never found the need to write personally, but this week’s column is very timely for me.  I’m a 15 year old girl with a 17 year old brother.  Like others I’ve read about in Straight Talk we are in the situation of having to share a room even though we’re opposite sexes since a 2 bedroom, 1 bath apartment is the best our mom can afford as a single parent on a limited income.  It’s never really bothered me to share a room with him and even undress in front of him since he’s always been a very good, loving big brother to me and I have never had any fear that he had any sexual interest in me even when he sees me nude, and unlike others I’ve read about I’ve never seen him get an erection when he sees me this way.  But a couple of weeks ago I came home unexpectedly and when I came into our room, he very quickly hid something in his drawer.  We trust each other not to snoop in each other’s private space.  But I will admit that curiosity got the better of me and when he was gone I went through his drawer to see what he was so anxious to hide.  Like 41, I actually thought it was probably drugs since he had been acting out of sorts lately.  But what I found was very sick pornography showing women in a very, very, sexually degrading way as well as being abused in a very sick way.  It literally made me sick to my stomach and still does when I just think about it!  If it was just something like the tasteful nudity in Playboy, I wouldn’t be that concerned as I assume that most teenage guys look at stuff like that.  But this was sick, sick, sick!

    I really don’t want to get him in trouble by telling our mom or confess that I invaded his privacy.  But it concerns me for him that he is looking at such sick stuff and concerns me about myself as a girl sharing a room and undressing in front of him.  I’m still undressing in front of him because I’m afraid that if I suddenly started changing in the bathroom or my mom’s room, they would wonder why and I wouldn’t want to have to explain the reason.  So far, I’m just acting like nothing’s wrong and I don’t know what I should do, if anything.

    M.

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    1. By Jennifer, age 16, from Petaluma on 05/22/2015

      I’ve noticed my brother looking at porn on line.  We also have to share a room for similar reasons.  It never bothered me that much before, and he never seemed especially interested when I was nude so I didn’t worry about it.  However, lately in addition to his looking at porn I’ve caught him being more interested in looking at me and sometimes I’ve seen evidence of a boner protruding from his pants when he sees me nude, so now I’m getting concerned.  I really don’t want to get him in trouble by telling our mom about these things and he’s still my big brother and still is very good to me and I really can’t imagine him sexually assaulting me, so I’m really not sure what I should do or if I should do anything.

      Jennifer

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      1. By C.M., age 17, from Redding, California on 05/22/2015

        Are you kidding?  Your brother is looking at porn,  looking at you nude with interest and getting boners when he does and your not sure if you need to do anything???  Give me a break!  It’s a no brainer that this is a VERY dangerous combination!  I assume that you have a bathroom like everyone does and at the very least you could change in there or your mom’s room.  You don’t need to say anything about the porn or the boners.  If your mom says anything you just have to say that your not comfortable undressing in front of him any more.  Any mom should understand that.  You should also ask your mom to get a privacy patrician as has been written about many times in Straight Talk.  I just have a sister, not a brother who I share a room with so undressing and nudity in our room obviously is not a problem.  However, if I did have a brother, I can’t imagine undressing in front of him at my age even if he wasn’t looking at porn and getting boners when he looked at me.

        C.M.

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  3. By C.V., age 16, from Carmichael, CA on 05/19/2015

    M-

    You need to stop undressing in front of your brother yesterday!  Actually, you should have stopped when you started puberty at the very, very latest and probably long before that.  You don’t have to tell your mom that it’s because he’s looking at sick porn.  Your 15 years old and your mom was once a 15 year old girl.  All you have to do is tell her that at your age your not comfortable undressing in front of your brother anymore.  Any mom with any common sense should understand that!  You should ask if you can share her room.  If she won’t agree to that, at the very least she should let you keep your clothes in her room and use it as your dressing room.  If you’ve been undressing in front of your brother, it certainly shouldn’t be a problem to undress in front of your own mom.  You should be doing this even if he wasn’t looking at porn.  As I’ve read in Straight Talk many times, this puts a teenage boy in a very difficult and uncomfortable situation and is very risky even if you are confident that he wouldn’t try to do anything of a sexual nature with you.  The fact that he’s looking at porn drastically compounds the problem!

    I have a younger sister and an older brother.  When we were little kids it didn’t bother us to see each other naked.  However, by the time we were 7 or 8 my sister and I were no longer comfortable with our brother seeing us or us seeing him.  It was easier for us since we have our own room that we share and don’t have to share a room with him.  We’re not overly modest and have no problem with nudity with each other or with our mom or our girl friends.  However, we always undress in our room with the door closed and wear a bathrobe when we go to share the bathroom in the morning.  Since were sisters, it doesn’t even bother us to share the bathroom even when were going #1 or even #2, but we close and lock the door.  It really shocked me when I read that many girls walk around naked or in their thongs in front of their brothers.  My sister and I would NEVER do that!

    The issue of your brother looking at porn is a tough one.  I don’t think our brother looks at porn, but I have no way of knowing for sure.  If I somehow found out that he was, I’m not sure that I’d tell our mom, but it would concern me even though I’m not sharing a room with him and undressing in front of him.

    C.V.

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  4. By Jerry, age 16, from Fountain Valley, CA on 05/19/2015

    My stepbrother looks at sick porn and tries to get me to look at it when we share a room during visitations at my dad’s, but I’m not the least bit interested and it turns me off very much rather than turning me on.  Since he knows I don’t like it, he thinks it’s really funny to waive it right in my face.  He even jerks off to it with me right there in the room and also thinks its funny that it makes me very uncomfortable.  I look the other way or find an excuse to leave the room, but it’s still an uncomfortable situation.  While he loves porn, he doesn’t have a girlfriend and doesn’t seem to have any interest in having one, and I think it’s very unhealthy that he prefers porn to having a real relationship with a real girl and wonder that it might make it difficult to ever have a real relationship.  In contrast to him, I do not look at porn (although I’ll admit to sometimes looking at Playboy Magazine) and I do have a nice relationship with a girlfriend.  My older sisters who are now away at college used to sometimes walk around nude or in their thongs in front of me like has been written about in Straight Talk, and that didn’t turn me on either, it just made me very uncomfortable and embarrassed.  However, all I had to do was get up the courage to tell them and they stopped and stayed in their room with the door closed when they were undressed.  They had no idea that it bothered their “little brother.”  I wished that I had told them much sooner and think that better communication is the best way to solve a problem like that.

    I see no reason to get my stepbrother in trouble by telling on him to his mom about the porn and figure that its his choice and his problem.

    Jerry

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  5. By M.M., age 16, from Lodi, CA on 05/20/2015

    My older brother also looks at porn that he hides in our room.  As with Jerry’s stepbrother, I think his being hooked on porn keeps him from having a normal relationship with girls as he doesn’t have a girlfriend and doesn’t seem to have any interest in having one.  He says that it’s “his business” and that I’d better not tell our mom and she doesn’t snoop in our room, so I don’t see any way she would find out unless I tell her.  I’m willing to let this be his business.  However, since he’s been looking at porn, it’s caused him to do something much worse.  We have 2 stepsisters who stay with us every other weekend.  He set up a hidden camera in the spare room where they stay so that he can watch them on his laptop when they are undressed and naked.  He tries to get me to also look but I refuse even though I have been tempted since they have attractive bodies, but I know that it would be very wrong to invade their privacy by looking at this.  Even worse (if that is possible) he says that he’s thinking about putting a hidden camera in the bathroom so he can watch them in there.  Watching them undress is bad enough, but watching them in the bathroom is sick and to me means that he has a sick mind.

    I’m afraid of what would happen if I told our mom and stepdad what he is doing.  Our stepdad is very domineering and is a very protective father of our stepsisters.  I’m really worried what he might do to my brother if he found out.  I’m also worried about what my brother would do to me if I told, as he’s older and bigger than I am and I have to share a room with him.  I thought about telling him that if takes down the camera and stops now, I won’t say anything but otherwise I will.  However, I don’t know that I would be willing to go through with it and tell, and if I didn’t he would know that he was safe to continue.  I really think that the porn is what led to all of this, but at least that wasn’t grossly invading anyone’s privacy like the camera is.

    M.M.

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    1. By G.H., age 59, from Santa Rosa, CA on 05/20/2015

      What your brother is doing is not only offensive, it’s illegal. Check this link: http://www.shouselaw.com/peeping-tom-laws.html for specifics. A first offense is punishable by up to 6 months in county jail and $1000 fine.

      What do you (and your brother) think would happen if your stepsisters find the camera? While I understand your reluctance to tell your stepfather, you might consider telling just your mom if your brother doesn’t agree to take the camera down. It can be scary to confront your big brother, but he is risking his relationship with your entire family, not to mention potential jail time. I wish you good luck.

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      1. By LAUREN, from StraightTalkAdvice.org on 05/28/2015

        Thank you G.H. for sharing this link. http://www.shouselaw.com/peeping-tom-laws.html Laws .vary state to state and this one is for California.

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    2. By Susie, age 16, from Fontana, California on 05/20/2015

      M.M.‘s comment really scares me.  I never thought about it before, but this sounds just like the kind of thing my stepbrother might do.  He’s a real creep and is always looking my sister and me up and down and staring at our breasts and smirking when we’re there for visitations.  But it is hard to try to complain when he hasn’t actually said or done anything offensive.  You have to be the one experiencing something like this to really understand because it’s hard to explain in words.  I don’t know for sure that he looks at porn, but it certainly wouldn’t surprise me.  We can lock the door to the room where we stay, so we felt totally safe when we were undressed or nude and as sisters who share a room we don’t worry about nudity in front of each other when we’re in private.  The idea of a hidden camera never occurred to me, but now I’m worried about it since it’s just the kind of thing I could see him doing.  We’re going there this weekend and will check every place very carefully to make sure, and if we do find one we will not hesitate to tell our dad and stepmother.  The idea of putting a camera in the bathroom to watch somebody is really, really sick but I wouldn’t even put that past him and we will check carefully in there too.  Except for my sister with whom I’ve been sharing the bathroom ever since I’ve been using the bathroom, I’m not even comfortable with other girls seeing me on the toilet, not even my best friend.  The thought of my stepbrother seeing me that way is just about the worst thing I could imagine, especially if I was having a bowel movement.

      Maybe I’m worrying for nothing, but I won’t feel comfortable until I check things our very carefully.

      Susie

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    3. By Emily, age 16, from Sparks, Nevada on 05/22/2015

      My sister and I found a hidden camera in our room.  The only one who could have put it in there is our stepfather, since our mom would certainly have no reason to do so.  He also makes no secret of the fact that he looks at porn (both pictures and videos), and since their room is right next to our room, we can hear him being very rough with our mom when they’re having sex.  We took the camera down and trashed it and he seemed upset with us right after that, but didn’t say anything.  What could he say? However, we’re afraid to confront him over it or tell our mom.  It horrifies us to think that he may have spied on us when we were undressing or naked and while we didn’t trust him especially since we knew about the porn, we thought we were safe since we do have a lock on our door and always kept it locked when we were undressed.  We now constantly check to make sure there are no more cameras.  I hadn’t even thought about the bathroom until I read M.M.‘s comment, but we will definitely also check there as I wouldn’t put it past him to even do something as sick as that.  Since we only have one bathroom, we have to share it in the morning so he can have his private time in there.  Since we’re sisters, it’s no big deal to us to share the bathroom even when one of us is “using the facility” if you know what I mean.  But like Susie and her sister, we aren’t comfortable with anyone else seeing us at a time like that, ESPECIALLY our stepfather.  Based on our experience, I think the kind of person who looks at porn is also the type to do other sick and perverted things.

      Emily

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      1. By LAUREN, from StraightTalkAdvice.org on 05/28/2015

        Emily—Gross, disgusting, stomach-wrenching—AND an illegal unwanted sexual experience. Thankfully you found the camera and destroyed, bravo to you! That said, please consider that this means he has stored footage on his computer (and perhaps on a cloud server as well, so that destroying his computer won’t destroy the record) of you and your sister and who knows where this could end up some day. Who knows where it has gone already and what other porn addicts are looking at this child porn. I don’t say this to scare you, but his secret taping of you girls nude was a sexual violation and if he has already displayed this kind of disrespect for you and the law, you could be in further danger. I would recommend moving in with your biological father, or if that’s not possible, to a grandparent’s or a stable, trusted friend’s family as soon as possible and tell your mother, bio father, grandparents, and/or friend’s parents why. Let them deal with it. Or if they don’t, report him to the police once you are safely out of his home. I want you to be out of there before the beans are spilled for safety reasons. Your mom should get out of there, too, and your confiding in her and asking her to flee with you, just might work to get her out of there, too. This man is no husband or father figure, he is a sexual predator. God speed and let me know how it goes. Love, Lauren

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    4. By Sarah, age 17, from Santa Rosa, California on 05/24/2015

      My best friend found out that her stepfather (who was also addicted to porn) had put a spy camera in both the room she and her sister share and the bathroom.  When their mom found, out she kicked him out.  However, they thought she should also have him arrested since as G.H. says this is clearly against the law, as well it should be!  But their mom wouldn’t go that far.  I was horrified when I heard this, since he had always looked at me in a lecherous way.  I was there for sleepovers many times and obviously undressed in their room and didn’t worry about being naked since we are all girls and also used the bathroom.  It makes me sick to think that he probably watched me when I was naked and even going to the bathroom!

      I really think people who do this should go to jail as the law provides.  I also disagree with those who say that pornography is harmless, or a “positive experience” as June asserts as it leads to sick things like this.

      Sarah

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      1. By LAUREN, from StraightTalkAdvice.org on 05/28/2015

        Sarah—You or your parents could and should report him as well. Very likely he has footage of you on his computer or cloud server, and as I said to Emily, you don’t know where that will end up someday or where it already is. He subjected you to an illegal sexual violation and you have every right to report him and you would be doing society a favor. Please tell your parents and let them deal with this… but if they won’t, the authorities would love to hear about it from you and will keep your confidence. He likely has MANY of your friend’s on his tapes, whoever stayed the night there. Good luck with this and thank you for sharing about it. –Love, Lauren

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    5. By LAUREN, from StraightTalkAdvice.org on 05/28/2015

      M.M.—I recommend secretly tipping your stepsisters off to the camera. They are the ones being directly and illegally violated. Make them promise to make it look like they discovered it on their own and they can run to their parents with the news. If you won’t do this out of fearing for your brother’s health and safety, i.e., getting beaten up by stepdad, which is not too hard to fathom, take the camera down yourself and destroy it (what’s he going to do, tell on you?) and warn him that if it happens again, and he doesn’t delete every file, and he doesn’t stop watching porn, you WILL tell them. Do something soon or peeping could become an obsession he doesn’t outgrow. At this point, you are an accessory-after-the-fact when you know about a crime but do not report it (not that, as a juvenile, you would be charged… and the crime also has to be a felony), but I bring this up to point out your unfortunate situation. Also, the fact that he told you about it when he knows you’re not interested in porn is probably his way of asking for help with his pornography addiction. Telling the stepsisters will cause the beans to be spilled and he will get help (yes in trouble, too) or taking your own action and holding a threat of telling on him could ultimately be more productive as I’m not sure how violent stepdad might become. Either type of action clears you should he get caught and it be revealed that you knew and didn’t do anything.

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  6. By J.C., age 39, from Toledo, Ohio on 05/23/2015

    My 16 daughter was exhibiting behavior that I also thought might mean drug use, and I searched her room and found lesbian pornography.  This really shocked me as it had never occurred to me that she might be gay.  She and her best friend are very close and have frequent sleepovers where they share my daughter’s double bed, so I strongly suspect that sexual activity is going on. I can accept her being gay and even having sex with her best friend.  However, there is another issue that causes me very great concern.  She shares her room and bed with her 12 year old stepsister during bi-weekly visitations.  My daughter is very good to her stepsister who looks up to her like a “big sister” and is very good about sharing her room and bed with her.  Since they are both girls, it never occurred to me that there was any problem with their sharing a room and bed and undressing in front of one another.  However, now that I know that my daughter is most likely gay and looking at lesbian pornography, I am very concerned.  I also don’t know what to tell my husband who is not tolerant of gays and definitely would not accept my daughter’s being gay, and especially would not accept his daughter sharing a room and bed with her. 

    I really do not think that my daughter would sexually molest her stepsister.  Even so, it concerns me to have them sleeping in the same bed under to circumstances.  We could easily afford to get twin beds or bunk beds for her room,  but I do not know how to accomplish this without telling everyone what I have learned.  Also, while separate beds would make things less risky, they would still be sharing a room and seeing each other nude which could cause my daughter to be sexually stimulated.

    J.C.

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    1. By R.S., age 19, from Irvine, CA on 05/23/2015

      J.C.,  You need to get them out of the same bed immediately, whatever it takes to explain it!  I am gay and had to remain in the closet while I was still at home due to our family’s religion.  I also shared a bed with a younger stepsister.  I didn’t look at lesbian pornography and have never had any desire to do so.  However, I did feel sexual stimulation being right next to her in bed and when she undressed and I saw her nude.  I knew I could trust myself not to act on my feelings as long as we weren’t in the same bed, but in the same bed I wasn’t so certain.  I just told my mom that I wasn’t comfortable sharing the bed with her and asked for separate beds and it was no problem.  Your situation is a little different since your daughter isn’t asking for separate beds, and you can’t tell your husband about what you found.  I think you need to have a heart to heart talk with your daughter in private.  Tell her what you wrote, that you can accept it if she’s gay, but she cannot continue sharing a bed with her stepsister.  I would have a plan between the two of you where you would say that she would prefer separate beds and go ahead and get them right away, since as you say that you can easily afford them.  Since she didn’t know I was gay, my stepsister was comfortable undressing in front of me and wasn’t shy about me seeing her nude so I had to force myself to do my best to look the other way when she undressed.  I hope you can convince your daughter to do the same.  The most important thing is to get them out of the same bed.  Your daughter may not like getting rid of the double bed since it sounds like she and her best friend are both gay and like sharing it.  However, if they want to have sex, they will find a way regardless of the bed arrangement.

      I’m now in college and am openly gay here which is refreshing as most of the kids are accepting, including my straight roommate who is totally comfortable with me seeing her nude and since we have separate beds there is really nothing to worry about.  However, I am still “in the closet” as far as my family is concerned.

      R.S.

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    2. By LAUREN, from StraightTalkAdvice.org on 05/28/2015

      J.C. –I agree with R.S. (thank you so much R.S. for sharing your experience!) that you need to have a heart to heart talk with your daughter and tell her what you know and that you accept her as a lesbian and that her sexual orientation makes no difference to you—AND that you must get them in separate beds ASAP. I agree with every aspect of R.S. advice, so read it carefully. Get them twin or bunk beds ASAP, don’t worry about the dressing issue (unless there is new information… I would ask your daughter frankly if she feels arousal… if so, insist that she leave the room nonchalantly while the stepsister is changing.. like R.S., I feel the bed is the big issue), and yes, if your daughter and her girlfriend are having sex, and you don’t care, they will figure it out somewhere else as R.S. notes. There is no benefit in telling your husband about this, but there may be benefit in telling your daughter’s father if he would be accepting, otherwise I wouldn’t tell him either. Let us know how this works out. –Love, Lauren

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