Straight Talk Advice

Jan 12, 2011

Hookups according to today’s young men

DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: I counsel teens on college and career choices and have been learning about “hookup” culture. I’m concerned that sexual activity, starting with girls as young as 11, does not include relationship. To be sexual today, kids don’t even need to exchange names. In college, many girls avoid commitment and just have sex so they don’t derail their career goals. I feel that sex without love, respect, emotional depth and some level of commitment, is damaging for girls — and possibly boys. Today’s scene seems warped toward pornographically-inspired, emotionally-disconnected dancing and male sexual fantasies. I worry that females taking part in this male sex play will suffer long-term emotional consequences — especially when told it’s ‘no big deal.’ How do girls really feel about hooking up with strangers or friends just for sex? — Concerned Counselor

DEAR READERS: You may recognize this question from our column last fall (SEP 22). At that time, I printed only female responses. Now it’s the guys’ turn. Their responses should lead people to conclude, like I do, that girls have become “alpha” enough that you can no longer stereotype anything regarding the sexes. More to come on this topic.

Justin 22, Redding, Calif. Ask me a question

Your letter is insulting. I’m a male and I don’t have sex with girls I’m not in love with, period. Historically, female sexuality has been shunned. Now it’s finally acceptable for females to enjoy sex. Every girl I’ve slept with has instigated our first sexual encounter.

Scot 23, Providence, R. I. Ask me a question

“Concerned Counselor” has minimal concern for boys. She stereotypes men as willing to run through girls with no connection, yet girls do the same thing to men. She is terrified for young girls “forced” to dance with guys. But it’s girls who love to dance. Just because girls aren’t acting traditionally feminine, doesn’t mean they aren’t doing what they want. Some are pressured into things, but not every girl who has sex without love is a victim of psychological damage, and not every guy just wants to run through girls.

Matt 16, Villa Park, Calif. Ask me a question

Principles and values are at play here. Unless one has learned them, one probably won’t make good choices.

Evan 24, Medford, Ore. Ask me a question

I enjoyed “Concerned Counselor’s” letter until it turned into a “poor women” treatise. Is it a male’s fault if a girl gets freaky instead of seeking commitment? The power of female sexuality is amazing and most women know it and use it for what they want. Yet boys get the blame. Random hookups aren’t healthy for either party. But nobody talks about the guys who got their hearts ripped out or were cheated on by four women in a row. I lost my virginity to a 30-year-old woman when I was 16. Was I in control? I didn’t even drive yet! I have many sensitive guy friends. We watch girls pick the bad boys. When I am intimate I feel obligated to stick around. Not most girls today. My buddies and I are astonished and talk a lot about how aggressive girls are.

Gregg 19, Sacramento, Calif. Ask me a question

I dislike instant hookups. The few times they have happened, the next morning I felt embarrassed, dirty and rude. I’ve never hung out with that girl again. That speaks volumes.

Lennon 24, Fair Oaks, Calif. Ask me a question

The hookup scene feels shallow and counterintuitive. Anyone can hook up, but not everyone can build a relationship. Sure, hookups are exciting; each one is brand new. But if people don’t learn how to maintain excitement within a relationship, we’re in for a rough time. Humans may not be entirely suited to monogamy, but your best chances are with someone you desire and enjoy being around, someone you truly care for. Hookups aren’t a good way of finding that person.

Editor’s Note: There’s nothing like hearing things from the horse’s mouth. Some of my panelists would argue with me, but I hold that the pornography industry is the main driver of all aspects of the sexual revolution we see today. And the main driver of pornography is profits and markets opened up by the Internet. Female sexuality has been evolving for some time now, and that is good, but the porn industry has evoked it to evolve away from feelings and more into exploitation. The depths of what women and men want from sexuality I find best expressed in the work of David Deida, who I can’t recommend enough. You can learn about his best-seller “Way of the Superior Man,” (which has plenty in it for women) at www.deida.info. —Lauren

  1. By Dave, age , from Carmichael, CA on 01/12/2011

    Contrary to what “Concerned Counselor” (who is obviously a female) says, girls are just as responsible as guys for today’s “hook up scene.”  Everyone assumes that guys are always the predators who just want sex with no committment.  That may have been true in the past, but these days, girls are the pursuers just as often in my experience if not more so.  There are also lots of “cougars” out there, older girls who go after younger guys who are immature and vulnerable and then when she gets pregnant or something else bad happens, it’s supposedly all the guy’s fault!  Many girls also go out of their way to entice guys and do everything they can to turn them on sexually, and then act incensed and shocked when the guy does get turned on and wants to have sex.  I’m not saying that guys are perfect, but it’s a two way street. 

    I’m 16 and have a girlfriend the same age and we realize that we’re not ready for a sexual relationship so we’re taking it slow.  However, her little sister who is only 14 and just coming into her sexuality makes no secret that she has a crush on me and is always coming on to me.  They share a room and she’s not about to leave us alone, so I can’t avoid her unless I don’t go to their house.  When I’m there she dresses in a way to show off her body especially her large breasts as much as possible.  One time she actually started to undress with me in the room.  I was embarrassed but she wasn’t and when I got up to leave the room she said I didn’t need to since she was “comfortable” around me.  I left the room anyway, but not until she had managed to take off her top, and she wasn’t wearing a bra.  She has also let me know that she is not a virgin so it wouldn’t be her first time, and I believe it.  I’m not going to give into temptation, but if I did people like “Concerned Counselor” would say that it’s all my fault because I’m a guy.

    Dave

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  2. By Ted, age , from Oakland, CA on 01/12/2011

    I had hookup sex with my stepsister on the spur of the moment when I was at my dad’s house for a visitation and our parents were out for the evening and her sister who she shares a room with was spending the night with a friend.  You might call her a “couger” since she’s a year older and it was her idea, but I didn’t resist.  Fortunately, I had a condom even though I wasn’t planning to have sex, but I’ve heard that you should always have one “just in case” and it turned out to be true.  I’m sure “Concerned Counselor,” Lauren, and most adults would disagree, but I found it to be a positive experience to do it for the first time with someone I like and trust while knowing that there will be no committment.  What, exactly, is wrong with that?  We will probably do it again when the situation presents itself.  At least in my experience, pornography had nothing to do with it.

    Ted

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