Straight Talk Advice

Dark side of sex-positive: sexual-orientation confusion

Apr 28, 2015

Girl who has always liked boys, now stressing about being gay

Dear Straight Talk: I’ve always thought I was straight. I had crushes on boys growing up and currently have a boyfriend who I feel romantic kissing. But recently I’ve been semi-attracted to breasts on the Internet and TV. I haven't been attracted to them in real life and have never had a crush on a woman, but still, I have terrible anxiety that I'm an in-denial lesbian. I read on the Internet constantly about how to know you’re a lesbian and tried saying, "I am a lesbian" and didn't feel too scared. Please help. —Stephanie, 14, Springfield, Illinois

Lisa 23, Eugene, Oregon Ask me a question

What you’re experiencing is more common than you think. Some girls who’ve only ever liked guys but are curious about girls call themselves bisexual. Others call themselves straight, because they’ve never acted on that curiosity. Still others do act on their curiosity and call themselves bisexual because of it. But some who act on their curiosity consider themselves straight because they’re more drawn to guys. The labelling (or not) is up to you. Don’t overthink this. Many girls have an attraction to breasts, but it’s not sexual.

Maddie 16, Cotati, California Ask me a question

From personal experience and studies, most people are to some degree attracted to both males and females. I’ve been sexually attracted to both girls and guys for a while and think I’m bi, though I’m more likely to date guys.

Elle 19, Mifflintown, Pennsylvania Ask me a question

“Semi-attracted” to breasts doesn't mean you're gay. Don’t let admiration of beauty turn lustful. Hormones are the excuse, but they don’t control behavior. You do. Definitely don’t act on these confusing feelings while in high school.

Samantha 23, Toledo, Ohio Ask me a question

No more stressing! At 14, focus on self-development, not relationships. I believe straight girls get drawn to other girls because we have similar bodies, ways of thinking, and it’s easier to be ourselves. Or we have daddy issues (absent or abusive fathers) or have had bad boyfriends. I’m a life-long Catholic and my relationship with God tells me all orientations are okay. If these feelings continue when you’re older you can experiment from a solid foundation.

Karlee 17, Bentleyville, Pennsylvania Ask me a question

Just about everyone thinks they're gay at some point and there’s nothing wrong with experimenting to figure it out — at a certain age. Having sex too young can mess up your brain for a long time and I speak from experience. There's nothing wrong with being gay, straight, bisexual or asexual. This guy friend recently said, “I need to experiment with a man to make sure I’m not gay.” I thought he was joking till he reported back, “It was fun, but I'm not gay.” The way the media portrays people, it's hard not to feel attracted or lustful. I have a huge girl crush on Jennifer Lawrence!

Kat 20, Eugene, Oregon Ask me a question

It's great that you are trying to be true to yourself. Perhaps you could experiment with a girl, maybe another bisexual or lesbian female that you trust. I can find the female body sexy but do not identify as bisexual or lesbian. Your feelings are a normal thing, and nothing to feel ashamed about.

Julian 17, Napa, California Ask me a question

There is such a thing as being bisexual, but waiting till you’re older to experiment is important. Then, if you still aren’t sure, alert potential partners that you’re experimenting. Be compassionate with yourself. Most boys won’t even talk about this out of shame.

Dear Stephanie: Experiment? Please don’t. The panelists’ predominant (and in my opinion, misguided) advice reflects the unintended consequence of the sex-positive movement, which has, for heterosexuals, caused needless and widespread doubt and anxiety about one’s sexual orientation.

I staunchly support LGBT acceptance, including gay marriage, and just as gay people are harmed trying to be straight, so can straight people be harmed trying to be gay. Having sex when you’re confused — or think you “should” to know for sure — can be traumatic and derail a good future sex life for either participant. Ditto for too-young sex.

Honestly, you sound straight — like 97 percent of the population. Of 34,557 adults ages 18-64 surveyed in 2013 by the National Health Institute, only 1.6 percent identified as gay, 0.7 percent as bisexual, while 1.1 percent didn’t know. I hope you and all the straight 13-24-year-olds (both male and female) can stop flipping out over nothing. The top-searched Internet questionnaires for gay/lesbian determination are a joke. See below for a better one.

Editor’s Note: When you're young you have no idea how priceless a good sex life is later on. This simple gift of pleasure makes life incredibly bearable, even wonderful, even when the chips are down. I've often thought it was the bonus for all the trouble of being human. However, many aren't so lucky. That's because we are very sensitive creatures, and around sex probably most of all. Too many young people have unpleasant early experiences that shut down their chances of a good adult sex life. Or require a ton of therapy to get there, and even then, it's hard to completely recover when you lose something before you even got it. 

So, no! Don't experiment!

Delay, delay, delay. How boring, right? Trust me, you'll get over it. Most damage stems from sex too early. This is why your parents try to protect you from it, not because they're prudes. Girls, you really are lucky if, whatever your circumstances are (strict parents, late bloomer, shy, religious or personal moral code, or just plain luck), you don't have sex until you're at least 17 and preferably 18, when you're old enough to handle whatever happens. Girls who mature quickly, who are beautiful, or who have low self-esteem, often have sex younger because they are targeted relentlessly at an age when they are too immature to fend things off or understand the future ramifications. Often they are opened roughly, or are loved and left. Giving oral sex is also opening oneself to penetration (often without any emotional connection from the male), and can have lasting negative impact as well.

Boys aren't as damaged by early sex with real girls, partly because boys are wired up differently both emotionally, hormonally and sexually, and also because they are not the one who is penetrated which has a bigger emotional impact (unless they are "experimenting" with gay sex, which is happening more and more frequently). But, early sex isn't good for them either. Hooking up without an emotional connection often leads to sex addiction, which will derail future sexual happiness big time, and the earlier hookups start, the more potential for sex addiction, or habitually removing sex from emotions. 

Boys are also extremely vulnerable to being damaged by pornography. The earlier it is started, the worse the effect, including "imprinting" when it's the first thing a guy ejaculates to upon starting puberty. There has never been this many young men affected by erectile dysfunction. Not to mention traumatic social and intimacy awkwardness, and skyrocketing ADD, which is starting to be correlated with the rise in internet pornography. Notice how they both took off at the same time.

Other damaging factors for both sexes are confusion, "shoulds", manipulations (if I have sex, I'll get x), being pressured, forced, or taken without consent while intoxicated — or being the pressurer, forcer, or taker. Having sex when you're confused and do it anyway, or because your should, or you want something, or because you feel pressured, however subtly, or being taken without consent, is basically having sex when you don't actually want it. Having sex without experiencing a true wanting of it, affects your future wanting of it. We're designed to want sex, not to be shut down around it. You risk shutting down to appropriate loving sex when you have sex too young or without a true desire for it.

Inappropriate wanting: The wanting can't be stupid or you will give yourself and then be abandoned, which will affect future wanting. And the wanting can't be of a predatory nature (such as wanting to force or pressure others) — that's not true wanting, that's a power thing, a needing to "get", very different.

So, am I gay or lesbian? I went through a few of the top-searched tests for both lesbian and gay determination. They were beyond ridiculous, full of celebrity and brand-name dropping, clearly designed for advertising, and only adding to most young people's utter confusion for the sake of someone's profits.

Let's build an accurate test. Here's a start. Please suggest improvements in your comments.

1. Are you a boy or a girl? This is a huge clue because out of 100 people, only 1.6 are truly gay and only 0.7 are truly bi. So in your school of, say, 2000 students, only 32 people are truly gay, and only 14 are truly bi. This is a small club. The rest of you are obsessed over nothing, or are switching horses due to traumas, peer pressure, or "shoulds". (The bogus 10% figure that's been thrown around as the number of GLB in the population (I've even heard higher), is finally proven wrong by the huge, new NHIS survey. The survey results hold even when they remove the 44-64 crowd, i.e. the old farts.)

2. Thinking back all the way to Kindergarten, or 3rd grade perhaps (before you consumed and were affected by an average of 33,000-46,000 screen hours of media, porn, and Internet junk food), who did you have crushes on? Girls or boys? Your answer is another huge clue.

3.  When you think about having gay or lesbian sex, do you feel confused or sick? Unless you are one of the small club who did have same-sex or bi crushes as children, feeling confused or sick is not a sign of being in denial! Your body is trying to tell you that this is not your biological orientation.

4. Imagine the hottest opposite-sex guy or girl in school coming up to you with a big smile that says I'm yours. Do you feel weak in the knees, break out in a sweat, or think you might faint? If yes, I'd bet money you're straight.


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  1. By L., age 14, from California on 04/28/2015

    This is a great relief to me! I somehow thought I was the only one who had feelings like this.  Based on my answers to Lauren’s questions, I think I must be straight!  Growing up, I had crushes on boys and always fantasized getting married (to a man).  I’m still much more attracted to guys than girls.  However, when I started puberty and started having real sexual feelings, I sometimes felt (and still feel) sexual stimulation when I see the nude bodies of other girls.  I share a room with my older sister and I don’t have these feelings when I see her nude.  But she has a friend who often spends the night and isn’t shy about nudity in front of me since we’re both girls.  She has very attractive breasts and completely shaves and waxes her pubic hair which I find very attractive and feel stimulation when I see her nude.  I have no desire to have sex with her or any other girl and the idea of girl to girl sex actually sickens me, so based on what I’m reading in this column, I don’t think I’m gay and that is a relief.  I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with being gay and I believe that those who are should be accepted for who they are.  But I’m confident that I’m not despite these feelings, and to me that is a great relief!


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    1. By Marcie, age 41, from Oregon, Ohio on 05/02/2015

      I have daughters who are 17 and 13 who share a room.  My 13 year old recently came to me upset and crying telling me that she’s afraid that she’s gay or bisexual.  She said that she sometimes feels “turned on” when she sees some of her older sister’s friends nude when they spend the night in their room, especially those who have large breasts and wax.  She says she doesn’t get these feelings about her sister when she’s nude, even though she also has large breasts and waxes.  She says she likes boys and wants to have a boyfriend not a girlfriend and marry a man when she gets older, so I told her that I really don’t think that she’s gay or even bisexual and that she is just having confusing feelings that should go away as she matures, and I am also going to have her read this week’s column to reassure her.

      I really think that part of the reason that there is so much concern about these issues these days is that homosexuality is now something that can be discussed openly.  When I was her age it is was a taboo subject that was rarely spoken about and I didn’t really even know that such a thing existed.  Looking back, I sometimes had feelings like this, but I never worried about them that much because being gay just wasn’t something people talked about or worried about.  As with my daughter, I never got these feelings about my own older sisters with whom I shared a room and bathroom and saw nude every day, but I did sometimes get these feelings about their friends and my own friends when I saw them nude.  However, it did not worry me that I might be gay as that just wasn’t an issue then.  I’m not saying that it is a bad thing that gay issues now are discussed openly or that there is something wrong with being gay.  However, I think that the openness about the issue is a major reason that it is now a concern for many pubescent girls (and also boys).


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  2. By A.H., age 17, from Fair Oaks, CA on 04/28/2015

    I had the same type of feelings when I was your age and also sometimes got the feelings L. describes when I saw certain other girls nude.  I was also worried sick that I might be gay.  However, the feelings slowly dissipated and now they are totally gone and I’m convinced that I’m totally straight.  I now think that if you’re confused like this, you’re probably not gay, because if you’re really gay you’re going to know it and not be confused and wonder that you “might” be gay. 

    My little sister who is 13 is now going through the same thing.  We share a room, so I can definitely see that she’s started puberty when she’s nude.  She recently came to me all upset and afraid that she’s gay because she’s now having the same type of feelings when she sees her friends nude at sleepovers and slumber parties.  I tried to reassure her that this is common and doesn’t mean that she’s gay.  However, I am also going to show her this column as I think it will help her very much.

    Thank you Straight Talk!


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  3. By Joy, age 18, from Anaheim, CA on 04/28/2015

    A.H. is correct.  If you were gay you would know it and would not be having anxiety that you “might be gay.”  I think you’re just having the confusing feelings that come with puberty.  But even if you were gay, so what?  It’s not as terrible as you seem to think!

    I am gay and have always known it.  Long before puberty and even long before I knew what it meant, I know that I wanted to be with other girls, not with boys.  When I was 6 or 7, I asked my mom if a girl could marry another girl because I knew that was what I was going to want even at that age.  She just laughed and made me feel stupid.  Little did she know that it would be legal when I got old enough to get married! LOL! LOL! LOL!

    My feelings never changed and when I reached puberty and understood things, I knew that I was gay.  I had to keep it secret from my religiously conservative parents, but I confided in my sister with whom I have always been close and share a room with.  She was very supportive.  I told her that I would understand if she wanted me to leave the room or turn around when she undressed, but she just laughed and said, “Don’t be stupid, you’re still my sister!” and gave me a great big hug.  It made me feel so good that I still want to cry when I think about it.  As many have written in Straight Talk, sisters sharing a room when one of them is gay is no different than with any other sisters when it comes to things like undressing and nudity.  Why should it be? You’re still sisters as my sister so kindly said.  It’s very ironic, but seeing my sister or other straight girls nude has never given me sexual feelings, but apparently many straight girls do get these feelings.  Go figure.  LOL!

    I’m now out of the closet and in a serious relationship.  My parents have come to accept my sexual orientation, but it was a difficult process for them.


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    1. By Janine, age 16, from Lodi, California on 04/29/2015

      It was exactly the same for me.  Before I even knew about something like being gay, I knew that I wanted to marry a girl, not a boy.  My sister would tease me about it and tell me it was against the law.  Maybe it was then, but not anymore in California and the majority of states.  And just yesterday, the Supreme Court heard the case that may well make it legal everywhere in the United States!  Yea!  It’s about time.  When I reached puberty and came into sexuality, I knew I was gay, I was never confused.  So I agree that those who have confusing feelings are almost certainly not gay.  Now that I’m openly gay, my sister no longer teases me about my feelings and is very supportive as our my parents.  Just like with you and others who have written to Straight Talk, sharing a room and undressing and nudity in front of each other are simply not an issue with us.  The same with my straight friends.  I also find it funny that like with you, I don’t get sexual feelings from seeing straight girls nude bodies while it sounds like many straight girls do.  I am sexually attracted to my girlfriend, but so far we haven’t actually has sex, even though everybody just assumes that we do because we’re gay.  But people don’t just assume that straight girls are having sex with their boyfriends.


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    2. By Suzi, age 19, from Rohnert Park, California on 05/03/2015

      I also always knew I was gay and was never confused about it, even before puberty and even before I totally understood the subject.  Unlike some of the others, I do get sexual feelings from seeing attractive girls nude.  I had these feelings even before puberty and they intensified when I reached puberty.  However, I would never act on these feelings with someone who is straight, so as long as the feelings are just in my head, the way I see it they do no harm to anyone.  I shared a room with my younger sister who knew I was gay and as others who have written it was no problem whatsoever.  In fact, she was always much more comfortable with nudity in front of me than anyone else just as it is with many sisters when both of them are straight.  Fortunately, I never had any sexual feeling about her when I saw her nude, but even if I did I would NEVER have acted upon them.

      I am now in college and my girlfriend is also my roommate.  We are openly gay and the other girls in the dorm accept us and I’ve never had the feeling that anyone is uncomfortable when we’re using the showers together.  Yes, my girlfriend and I have sex, but we are monogamous and have no sexual interest in the straight girls and they understand this.


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  4. By T.L., age 16, from Carmichael, CA on 04/30/2015

    All of the comments have been from girls like most comments in Straight Talk, so I want to say that this type of confusion can also happen to guys.  I really think I’m straight, since I’m much more attracted to girls.  But I sometimes get sexual feelings toward certain guys.  And sometimes I start to get a boner when I’m naked with other guys in the showers after gym class which really scares me like I read about one time in Straight Talk.  So far nobody’s noticed or if they did they haven’t said anything but I’m really worried that someone will notice and start rumors that I’m gay, but I really don’t think I am.  I do my best to try to hide my boners, but it’s not easy since there’s no privacy in the locker room.  I have absolutely no desire to have sex with a guy and just the thought of oral or anal sex with a guy makes me want to puke and if I was gay I wouldn’t feel this way, would I?  But getting these feelings does disturb me but so does getting sexual feelings when I see my sisters naked and in their thongs since they’re casual in front of me like has also been written about many times in Straight Talk, but the good thing about it is that it helps me convince myself that I’m not gay.


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    1. By J.B., age 17, from Arcadia, California on 04/30/2015

      I am VERY glad to hear that I’m not the only one to ever get a boner in the showers!  I thought I must be because I never saw it happen to anybody else.  I don’t go out of my way to look at other guys’ penises in the showers but it’s hard not to see certain things unless you close your eyes, and I’ve never seen anybody else with a boner so I thought I must be really weird and must be gay.  Looking back, I just think it was confusing sexual feelings like the others have written about as well as anxiety about having to be naked in front of everybody since I was always shy about anybody seeing me naked.  It may sound weird, but I had to share a room with my older sister and unlike some I’ve read about in Straight Talk, it didn’t bother me or give me boners for her to see me naked or for me to see her, maybe because we’d been seeing each other our whole lives.  But since this didn’t give me boners, but being naked with other guys did, I was scared to death that I must be gay even though I never had a desire to have gay sex and like T.L. the thought of it sickened me.

      After I got used to being naked in the showers it didn’t really bother me that much (although I still much prefer to shower in private) and I stopped getting boners so now I’m sure that I’m straight, but it was really scary for a while.


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  5. By Amy, age 15, from Redding, CA on 05/01/2015

    I started Middle School just about the time I was beginning puberty when I was 12.  I wasn’t used to seeing anybody naked or anybody seeing me but my sister who I had always shared a room and the bathroom with and that certainly did not raise sexual feelings since we’d been seeing each other our whole lives.  But in Middle School we had to change for gym class with no privacy and the the teacher was also very strict about making us take showers which were communal.  It scared me at first since I wasn’t used to undressing in front of anybody but my sister.  I got over the shyness pretty well after not too long.  But then something else scared me even more when I got sexual feelings from seeing the other girls undressing and naked in the showers and I was sure I was gay or maybe bisexual since I liked boys and had crushes on boys but never girls.  But I outgrew these feelings by the end of the year and seeing other girls naked is nothing to me now and I’m now in situations where I see other girls naked all the time in addition to the locker room such as slumber parties and sleepovers.  At my High School they don’t make us take showers if we don’t want to.  But I’m one of the minority who always does as it feels very good to wash away all the sweat and smell and the fact that other girls who are the same as me see me naked is nothing to me anymore and me seeing them is also nothing and I get no sexual feelings whatsoever anymore, so I think that for most girls these feelings are normal and something that comes with puberty and as those who actually are gay have said if you’re actually gay you will know it, but if you’re worrying that you might be gay or bisexual, you probably aren’t.


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  6. By R.H., age 14, from Elk Grove, CA on 05/04/2015


    I hope all the comments make you feel better, because they sure make me feel better!  I thought I must be really weird and there was something seriously wrong with me because I was having these feelings about other girls.  Since I’m more attracted to guys, I was sure that I wasn’t totally gay, but I was scared that I might be bi and I didn’t want to be.  I just want to be normal and if these feelings are normal for girls our age (and it looks like its also true for some guys), then I don’t feel so bad.  Like the others, I never got these feelings about my sister even though she has a very attractive body and I see her nude every day since we share a room, but I was extremely curious when I saw her body changing since she’s older and went through puberty before I did.  But I did get these feelings about other girls when I saw them undressing or nude.  But I never wanted to have sex with another girl and like the others the thought of it actually totally turned me off.  It is also reassuring to hear from those who actually are gay that they always knew it and didn’t have confusing feelings like you and me and many others. 


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  7. By R.M, age 13, from Florida on 10/13/2015

    This is very reassuring. I have always liked boys (I’m a girl) but lately after starting puberty I’ve been having random anxiety and thoughts that I am gay or bi. This is so random and I have no idea why I would feel that way because I’ve always liked guys and have had crushes in the past, so I don’t really have a reason to think this. I do have bad anxiety some times over random things that trigger me, so this might be why. I just think about it all the time and freak out because I know that I’m not but I just can’t stop getting scared over it. Anyway, this really made me feel better and hopefully I can stop freaking out/thinking about it all the time now!

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  8. By Lily, age 16, from Boston MA on 03/25/2016

    I’ve always liked boys growing up, and all through puberty I’ve had crushes on various guys but 2weeks ago I met a new girl on my track team and I have a big crush on her. I’ve never had any other sexual desires about any other girls except this one. Thinking about having sex with her does not make me feel uncomfortable. Although she is straight and I’m not planning on acting on this crush, now I don’t know if I’m bi or what

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  9. By kelly, age 19, from reunion on 09/13/2016

    I dunno how to explain this.
    I’m so confused
    Like i love and am attracted to boys.. i find them cute..
    Though im not sexually attracted to girls.
    When i see a hot girl.. i will just acknowledge that she is cute and all. I dont fantasize about anything. I look up at girls mostly for their style and make up.. not in a sexual way.
    Though i love boys.. i dont get turn on when my friend show me a picture of a celebrity with abs and all.. im a fan of kpop so im more into asian celebrities.
    The problem is that for the last couple of days the thought of being a lesbian popped out in my head out of nowhere.
    I have crush on boys and have dated a boy.. well i was turn on by a simple kiss and couldnt feel my knees.
    Also when im attracted to a boy… and got a crush.. it doesnt last long. Maybe for a month .. then it will fade away. I got friends who cant fall in love too. And this terrifies me.

    Whilst trying to forget it, i started to feel confuse, afraid and couldnt even eat.. i have been searching on net and i havent find anything to which i can relate.
    Like why am i so afraid? Why cant i stop thinking aboutit when i know im straight? Im confuse and i want to stop thinking about the thought of turning gay.

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  10. By kelly, age 19, from USA on 09/13/2016

    I dunno how to explain this.
    I’m so confused
    Like i love and am attracted to boys.. i find them cute..
    Though im not sexually attracted to girls.
    When i see a hot girl.. i will just acknowledge that she is cute and all. I dont fantasize about anything. I look up at girls mostly for their style and make up.. not in a sexual way.
    Though i love boys.. i dont get turn on when my friend show me a picture of a celebrity with abs.
    I’m so confused
    Like i love and am attracted to boys.. i find them cute..

    The problem is that for the last couple of days the thought of being a lesbian popped out in my head out of nowhere.
    I have crush on boys and have dated a boy.. well i was turn on by a simple kiss and couldnt feel my knees

    Whilst trying to forget it, i started to feel confuse, afraid and couldnt even eat.. i have been searching on net and i havent find anything to which i can relate.
    Like why am i so afraid? Why cant i stop thinking about it when i know im straight? Im confuse and i want to stop thinking about the thought of turning gay.
    Like i love and am attracted to boys..

    Also when im attracted to a boy… and got a crush.. it doesnt last long. Maybe for a month .. then it will fade away. I got friends who cant fall in love for long too. And this terrifies me.

    is there something wrong with me?

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