Straight Talk Advice

Gawking men make mother worry for her daughter

Jul 21, 2015

Early-bloomers targets for lousy early sex

Dear Straight Talk: My daughter, 14, blossomed overnight into a well-endowed gorgeous young woman. I’m appalled at the gawking men (of all ages) in supermarkets and literally everywhere we go. My sister bloomed early and the relentless pressure from older boys led to a troubled sex life because her early experiences were not kind, gentle or loving. I hated being a late bloomer, but being older when the pressure for sex started helped me avoid that damage. How can I protect my daughter? —Worried Mom

Lisa 23, Eugene, Oregon Ask me a question

Top three things: Teach her that her sexuality is hers. Refute media and peer influences that say looks are a woman’s top trait. Teach her is to say a firm ‘no’ to unwanted advances. We're so insistent that women be kind, we don’t let them be kind to themselves. I still feel rude refusing male attention! You can’t ensure she’ll avoid sex till she’s older, but you can help her gain self-respect and teach her to give consent based on her own desire, not coercion by males who act like she’s their sexual property. The world would improve if parents talked to their daughters like this rather than yelling at them to not wear short shorts or not talk to boys. Requiring more modest dress must be done tactfully or she’ll blame herself for “making” men look at her. Girls need more self-respect, but boys mustn’t be given a pass for being entitled jerks.

Karlee 18, Bentleyville, Pennsylvania Ask me a question

People stare at beautiful people, that’s reality. Talk to her candidly about the implications and help keep her safe because many girls, especially beautiful girls, are pushed into sex before they actually want it, leaving permanent scars and driving some to promiscuity as a way to “regain control”.

Taylor 18, Santa Rosa, California Ask me a question

Society does prize beauty, however, it’s misogynistic to think only attractive females are vulnerable to assault. Talk to her about how sex can be meaningful and special, but also damaging and dangerous. Solutions like dress codes, strict fathers, and gender segregation are insulting. Telling girls to “cover themselves” teaches that men’s lewd behavior is their fault and their puberty is shameful. Instead of teaching girls to avoid their sexually-changing bodies, let’s teach boys to be respectful! This wouldn’t be an issue if it was your son.

Nick 18, Corte Madera, California Ask me a question

Older guys always hit on younger more-developed girls because they are easy targets. Many heart-to-heart talks are needed. Help her build confidence and self-esteem so it’s easier to brush these guys off.

Samantha 23, Toledo, Ohio Ask me a question

“Father-wounds” play a huge role in a girl’s emerging sexuality. Fathers who treat a daughter respectfully and affirm her value, give her the esteem to say no to predators — and eventually yes to the one who respects and honors her. My loving, attentive parents produced self-respecting, high-achieving children. I was fourth in my class, nominated twice for homecoming court. Then, my brother died and my “first love” father, cracked, ending 12 years of sobriety. His eventual death from relapsing, nearly killed me. I sought his lost love in every boy I met. Terrified of more loss, I remained in abusive relationships, destroying my early ideal of love. Is your daughter's father loving, respectful and available for her?

Justin 18, Brentwood, California Ask me a question

Many will try to act upon her outer beauty, but if friends and family promote bigger things than sexuality, it will help form who she is on the inside and she won’t be so concerned with these pressures.

Dear Worried: Katy bar the door. The panel nails why your concern is valid: lopsided prizing of outer beauty, damaged sex lives from uncaring, unkind, often-painful first sex, father-wounds. What can help: heart-to-heart talks about all this; building her confidence, self-esteem, ability to “rudely” say no; teaching ownership of personal sexuality and consent; not blaming her when enforcing reasonable and needed dress codes; teaching male respectfulness versus entitlement; educating fathers. Also helpful: reduced screen time, coming-of-age circles, yoga, equestrian and/or martial-arts classes.

Editor's Note: Late bloomers: You're lucky. The trouble with early damage to one's sex life is that one never knows how things might have been. There is no clean point of reference, which makes healing difficult because you don't know what to heal toward. 

Most of the world is only familiar with the patriarchal model of society where men are dominant over women. But patriarchal society is relatively new, probably starting around 3000-4000 BCE. For an exponentially longer period of human history (or herstory as it is called), humans lived in peaceful Matrifocal or Goddess societies, where women were honored equally or more than men, due to their incredible ability to bring forth and suckle new life from their own bodies.

For a young woman's "first opening" to sex in a Goddess society (which still exist today in small pockets), it was unthinkable that this would be done any other way but extremely kindly, gently and lovingly. They understood the strong sensitivity of the female heart and of female genitalia and only wanted her to experience loving, honoring and pleasing sensations so she would experience radiantly happy emotions around sex. Girls were protected and prepared for their “first rites” (as were boys), and in some cultures girls could pick from handsome young, slightly older, men known for their gentleness, deep caring and ability to bring pleasure to get them started on their sexual path. No harm was allowed! Tremendous care and thought by society went into ensuring a positive beginning to a young woman’s sex life.

Contrast that to today and the last few thousand years, when it is the “norm” that blossoming young girls are on their own to be taken advantage of, receive rough first sex, feel shame the next day, or in other ways be sexually victimized. When you have to worry about a daughter's puberty instead of celebrating it. When males are encouraged by “the pack" to be insensitive toward their female counterparts and are so clueless that they don't care, or aren't even aware, that they are harming the girl’s sexual beginning.

It's incredibly tragic for both women and men. In oppressive systems, both the "oppressed" and the "oppressor" are oppressed. No wonder there is so much sexual dysfunction and hostility between the sexes.

A fantastic read about early-human matrifocal life is the “Earth's Chidren" series. Runaway bestsellers in the 1980-90’s, each book is amazing and very very sexy. Book 1 is “Clan of the Cave Bear”. Can’t recommend this thoroughly-researched historical fiction enough for an experience of how things were — and could be — if we honored sexuality instead of damaging it through objectification and commoditization. Open your mind to the possibilities while enjoying these sexy books! —Lauren

 

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  1. By C.N., age 19, from Irvine, CA on 07/21/2015

    My fraternal twin sister and I have never looked at all alike.  She takes after our mom’s side of the family and I take after our dad’s.  Even so, we were just as close as any twin sisters can be when we were growing up and got very tired of hearing “you don’t look like twins” what seemed like a million times.  Since we shared a room, when were only 12 I couldn’t help but see her body starting to mature before mine when she was nude, and I was jealous.  By the time we were 14, she was fully developed and had a beautiful figure and could and did pass for someone much older.  In contrast, I remained lanky and flat chested (and still am).  Needless to say, she received much more attention from the guys and I had to listen to comments like “too bad you’re not as attractive as your twin sister” and even “you can’t really be twins or even sisters, so one of you must be adopted.”  Since my sister looked a lot like our mom and I didn’t, people assumed I was the one who was “adopted.” This really hurt and caused me to resent her and ended our close relationship.  Since my body was so much less attractive, I even felt ashamed when I undressed in front of my own twin sister in our room and seeing her attractive body when she was nude made me feel even worse, although she never tried to “show off” like some girls do. 

    However, I turned out to be the lucky one.  She got pregnant when she was only 16.  The baby was given up for adoption, but it still totally screwed up her life.  She had to drop out of school while she dealt with it and never went back and is working at a fast food restaurant for the minimum wage.  On the other hand, I am now in college looking forward to a rewarding professional career.  I’m also in a relationship with a great guy who doesn’t care about the size of my chest.

    C.N.

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    1. By Joan, age 41, from Toledo, Ohio on 07/25/2015

      My 16 year old daughter is in a similar situation.  She has gone through puberty, but remains almost completely flat chested.  She gets made fun of because of this.  She also says that her stepsisters who resent having to share their room with her on visitations and are well endowed make fun of her because of this when she undresses which she finds very upsetting, and says that they also go out of their way to show off their much larger breasts in front of her.  They just say “we’re all girls” if she complains about their over exposing their breasts.  She’s too embarrassed to tell her father about this mistreatment by her stepsisters. 

      She’s never had a date and believes that this is the reason.  However, she has a friend whose breasts are no larger who dates regularly, so I do not think this is the entire problem.  She is begging me to get breast enhancement surgery and says I would do so if I really cared about her.  However, I do not think I should do so at her young age.  It would be very expensive, and since it is considered cosmetic surgery it would not be covered by our insurance.  Also, from research I have done, it should not be done until a girl or woman has completely developed and at 16 that is not necessarily the case.

      As with C.N., I think she may be better off in the long run since she is not getting attention from the wrong kind of boys, but right at this time there is no way that I can convince her of this.

      Joan

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      1. By LAUREN, from StraightTalkAdvice.org on 07/29/2015

        Joan—Do not get her this surgery for all the reasons you mention. Girls are much luckier in the long run when something is in play that delays sex until they are older, hard as this may be for a girl to accept when she is young. She doesn’t know what she is begging for! It looks good to her to have male attention, but she will get it soon enough no matter what her breast size. (And as you note from her small-breasted friend, it’s not all there is to even when young.) Your daughter is simply not mature enough yet to see that dating and relationships are about so much more than outer beauty.

        Frankly, I would never pay for something like this as a parent no matter what age their child or adult child is, unless there was an issue of disfigurement and then that usually IS covered by medical insurance. If a person wants it that bad, they can pay for it themselves. There are many problems with breast enhancement, medical as well as emotional. I would not want my conscience on that as a parent. Tell your daughter that you strongly support her to love her body as it is and that her parents will not the one to finance such a thing ever. End of story.

        Since she’s so insecure around this, I would find camps or women’s circles for her to join where she will learn the sacredness of the female form and can interact with women comfortable in their own (imperfect) bodies. Yoga and equestrian and outdoor classes are also especially good at putting people in their bodies, which eventually translates into a love of one’s body. Put your money in these things which will help her develop inner beauty which will always be sexier than anything on the outside. Hope this helps! Love, Lauren

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  2. By Jan, age 17, from Carmichael, California on 07/21/2015

    My sister and I are close in age and were always very competitive.  Even though she’s a year and a half younger than I am, her body matured before mine which was very humiliating for me and gave her something to lord over me and put down my less mature/less attractive body when we were nude in our room that we had to share.  Even though we never got along well, since we were sisters we had never been shy about nudity in front of each other in our room.  But having a younger sister with a more mature and more attractive body did make it a problem to have to undress and be nude in front of her.  And even when my body did mature, my breasts were still smaller than average while she had very large breasts that got her lots of attention from guys.  But it also caused her to start having sex way to young.  She was able to avoid getting pregnant, but she ended up getting involved with and having sex with the kind of “bad boys” that were written about in a recent Straight Talk column, and this has caused her all kinds of problems.  I’m still a virgin, but that’s the way I want it for now, and I do have a really nice boyfriend, so like C.N.  I think I’m the lucky one not to have had a mature, attractive body at a young age like my sister did.  But it sure didn’t seem like it at the time!

    Jan

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  3. By G.W., age 16, from Sparks, NV on 07/21/2015

    My little sister who is only 13 also seemed to “blossom” almost overnight.  We are in the unfortunate situation that has been written about in Straight Talk of having to share a room as opposite sexes, since a 2 bedroom apartment is the best our single parent mom can do.  I’ve always tried to be a good big brother to her, and she’s never been shy about her body in front of me.  It was never really a problem before she matured as there was really nothing to look at and feel stimulated by.  However, she doesn’t seem to realize that now that she has developed breasts and pubic hair, it is no long appropriate for me to be seeing her nude as it gives me feelings that make me VERY uncomfortable.  I’m afraid to say anything because I don’t want anybody to know that I’m having feelings that I shouldn’t be having about my little sister.  I love my sister and would never do anything sexual toward her, but it still is an uncomfortable situation.

    I’m also concerned about how other guys react to her with such a mature body at such a young age.  Guys much older are showing interest in her.  She finds this very flattering and is thrilled.  However, it really concerns me as I fear that it could lead to serious trouble, but I don’t know what I can do.

    G.W.

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    1. By R.M., age 17, from Bakersfield, California on 07/22/2015

      I have 2 younger sisters who now are 13 and 14 who both were “early bloomers.”  As with G.W., they don’t seem to realize that I should no longer be seeing them with little or nothing on.  They have their own room, so the situation isn’t quite as bad for me, but it still is a bad situation.  When we were little kids, it never bothered any of us to be naked in front of each other.  However, even before puberty, I stopped letting them see me naked or even in my underwear.  On the other hand, things have never changed for them. They go the shower naked right in front of me and in the hot weather walk around in a T-shirt and thong underwear, and sometimes without even a T-shirt!  The Straight Talk columns dealing with this usually involve older sisters who don’t realize that their “little brothers” aren’t so “little” any more.  However, as stated by G.W. and my own experience, it can happen the other way around where “little sisters” remain comfortable in this way with their older brothers while their brothers are not so comfortable about it.  I really think they should wear a robe to go take a shower which would not be that difficult and stay in their room with the door closed if they want to be in their thongs.  It wouldn’t be that difficult to at least put on a T-shirt and shorts the rest of the time!

      In addition, I see older teenagers and even adult mean gawking at their mature bodies and large breasts just as Concerned Mom describes, but they don’t even seem to notice or if they do it doesn’t bother them.  I just hope this doesn’t lead to early sex which could be very harmful as C.N. describes with her sister.

      R.M.

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      1. By M.M., age 17, from Santa Ana, CA on 07/23/2015

        My 14 year old twin sisters are the same way.  They were early bloomers and are very well endowed and are practically nudists around the house!  They share a nice large bedroom where they can be nude all they want and no harm would be done, since they’re both girls and are twin sisters without having to expose me to their nudity.  And I’m not afraid to tell them that it bothers me and have done so, but they just laugh it off and do it even more just to bug me. Our mom sees it as a positive thing that they’re so “comfortable” with their bodies!  They also dress in a way to expose as much cleavage as they can and from what I hear around school already have a reputation as being “sluts” which is very embarrassing to me as their brother and I get crude comments about them.  I don’t think they’re are having sex yet and certainly hope not at their young age, but I can see the direction they’re headed in and it is NOT a good one!

        M.M.

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  4. By Elle, age 19, from Boca Raton, FL on 07/22/2015

    G.W., you need to drop some hints to your mom about this situation. You seem like a great big brother and it would be unfortunate for you to continue to be placed in this uncomfortable situation. If it helps, you could approach the topic with your mom in a manner that makes the situation appear mutual, such as: “I was wondering if we could put up a divider/changing divider, that way both Beth and I have the option of privacy, now that we’re getting older.” If I were a mother, that to me would seem like a reasonable request and would show my son is aware that times are changing, and he’d like to respect his sister. Facing the potential embarrassment of bringing this up now will save you from potential guilt from feelings as time progresses. And in regard to handling other guys, foster conversations with your sister that lets her know you care about issues like this, and that you’d love to watch out for her. My little brother (he’s 17) and I have talked about stuff like this, and we’ve agreed that he’ll be the one watching out for me now, being open and honest with me about what he thinks about the young men I may be interested in, or may be interested in me. I value his opinion. Likewise, let your sister know you’ll be there for her, to lend a hand if she may need it (when facing jerks or unwanted attention), and to answer questions. Bottom line: be a responsible big brother, and be aware of the example you’re setting. I’m sure she’s very lucky to have you as a sibling!

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  5. By Candace, age 17, from Lodi, CA on 07/22/2015

    I also “blossomed” very early, when I was just starting middle school, and it was pure hell!  Guys would whistle at me and even make a “mooing” sound which was very humiliating.  They also nicknamed me “big boobs.”  Other girls resented me because of the “attention” that I was getting from the guys, even though I hated it.  The nicer guys didn’t treat me this way, but they also avoided me because this gave me a bad reputation.  I wore tops that didn’t expose any cleavage or otherwise emphasize my breasts.  Even so, there was no way to hide the “evidence.”  I was also accused of “showing off” by other girls when all I did was undress in front of others when it was necessary like in the locker room and at sleepovers and slumber parties and I didn’t do anything different than anyone else, but somehow I was “showing off” just because I had large breasts.  Even my own stepsister accused me of this.  Even though she’s a year older, my body matured before hers and even when she did mature, her breasts were small and she accused me of “showing off.”  We had become good friends were comfortable with nudity with each other when we shared a room on visitations, and I didn’t do anything but undress in front of her as I always had, but suddenly she thought I was “showing off.”

    It’s not quite so bad anymore as many other girls have caught up with me, so I’m not the only one.  However, I still get crude comments from the guys who are stupid jerks as do the other “well endowed” girls.  None of the guys who are interested in me for this reason are people who I would have any desire to date, and the nicer guys still shy away from me.

    Candace

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    1. By Shelly, age 16, from Anchorage, Alaska on 07/24/2015

      I also blossomed early and have been very well endowed since a young age.  I did not like it either.  Guys who were jerks would make crude comments as well as “moo” at me which I found very demeaning and humiliating.  Many girls were jealous of me and would laugh when guys did this which made things much worse. It didn’t get me any attention from the nicer guys who I’d be interested in.  Like you, I was also accused of showing off when all I did was undress with other girls when I was in situations that it was necessary. 

      It seems like everyone wants what they don’t have.  My sister and I share a room so we see each other nude on a daily basis which has never been a problem for us as sisters.  I could see that her breasts were much smaller than mine but they were perfectly formed and looked very attractive and I wished that mine were more like hers.  On the other hand, she envied my much larger breasts as she thought they attracted guys, but they do NOT attract the right kind of guys. 

      Shelly

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    2. By Roy, age 17, from Woodland, CA on 07/24/2015

      I am very ashamed to say that I used to be one of those jerks who did this to girls with large breasts, and now feel very guilty.  I thought it was extremely funny to “moo” at big breasted girls and even funnier when they got upset and sometimes even cried.  My little sister who is only 13 blossomed early with large breasts and is now undergoing the same type of treatment, and I can see how devastating it is for her.  She has come to me crying and asks me how guys can be so mean which makes me feel terrible to think that I was one of those mean guys.  I would really like to make it up to the girls I did this to, but I don’t see any way that I can.  So I would like to say to any guy who is doing this or even thinking about it:  Would you want somebody doing this to your sister?  If the answer is no, which it obviously should be, the don’t do it to someone else’s sister! Even though I did the same thing, I’m sorely tempted to punch out the guys who are doing this to her and now think that I would have deserved it if the brother of one of the girls I did this to had punched me out. 

      I also want to comment on the room sharing issue that G.W. writes about and has been written about previously in Straight Talk.  My sister and I have to share a room for reasons similar to G.W.  and his sister.  When she first started to mature, she still remained comfortable with her nudity in front of me which made me very uncomfortable and sometimes gave me boners, I’m very ashamed to say.  However, I didn’t want to admit to my feelings so I was afraid to say anything.  Fortunately, after not too long after she began maturing she asked for a privacy patrician.  She was actually apologetic about it and kept assuring me that it was not because she didn’t trust me, but that she just felt the need for privacy since she was a girl and I was I guy.  I wasn’t the least bit offended and was actually very relieved.  We just pull out the patrician when we’re getting dressed and undressed and are fine sharing a room the rest of the time.  G.W. would not have to admit to his feelings to ask for a patrician.  If I was him, I would just say that I thought it was a good idea for privacy for both of us.  His mom should understand that.

      Roy

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    3. By Pete, age 16, from Glendale, California on 07/24/2015

      I’m not saying it’s true for you since I don’t know you, but the fact is that some girls with big tits go out of their way to show them off by wearing tops that expose maximum cleavage and string bikinis that just barely cover their nipples but little else.  They practically beg guys to stare at them and make comments, then they act super offended when we do.  It’s not true of all girls who have big tits, but it is true of many of them.  Even my own sisters do this, and then I hear them in their room complaining about the “jerks” who stare at them and make crude comments.  They don’t walk around in front of me naked or topless like some who have been written about, but they might as well the way they dress sometimes.

      I know this isn’t politically correct to say this, as it’s all supposed to be the fault of the guys, but there’s 2 sides to the story.

      Pete

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      1. By Sam, age 16, from Rohnert Park, CA on 07/26/2015

        I totally agree with you.  I would never make comments about a girl’s breasts.  However, it’s hard not to look when a girl with big boobs goes out of her way to expose maximum cleavage.  There have been times that I’ve done nothing more than look, and a girl gets offended and angrily says, “What are you staring at?!!!”  If they don’t want us to look/stare, then why do they go out of their way to show off their boobs this way???  I’m not saying it’s true of all big busted girls, but it is true of some and that is a fact.  Also, while I might enjoy looking at big busted girls who show off their boobs, it is not something that would make me interested in dating them.

        Fortunately, my own sisters are not this way.  They were both “early bloomers.”  The aren’t prudes, but they don’t dress in a way to overly expose their breasts.  They also do not expose their bodies in front of me.  When they were younger they weren’t shy about being naked in front of me, but this stopped even before they reached puberty.  They wear a bathrobe when they go to take a shower, and stay in their room with the door closed when they’re undressed.  I’ve hear them say that they like to go topless and just be in their thongs with a fan on when it’s hot since we don’t have central air conditioning.  There’s nothing wrong with that since they’re sisters, as long as they keep their door closed and I don’t have to see it.

        Sam

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  6. By John McDougall, MD, age 68, from Santa Rosa, CALIF., USA on 07/29/2015

    One Important Solution to Sexual Abuse

    The normal age of human sexual maturity is between 16 and 19 years. The modern Western diet, based on meat and dairy products, is causing dramatic changes in human development, triggering the onset of precocious puberty at an average of 8 to 12 years, long before nature ever intended.

    The adverse consequences of premature sexual development permeate our society. The development of female breasts and buttocks activate natural male reproductive behaviors, causing some men to prey on girls. Precocious puberty encourages children to make unwise choices that very often lead to disease, pregnancy, single motherhood, premature marriage, divorce, disruption of the mother’s education, and poverty. Also, a teenage mother has a far greater risk of complications of pregnancy. Precocious puberty is associated, later on in life, with more heart disease and cancer.

    John McDougall, MD

    For more and scientific references, see: https://www.drmcdougall.com/misc/2012nl/apr/abuse.htm

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