Straight Talk Advice

Feb 05, 2013

“Babe Magnet” dishes advice for girls

Dear Straight Talk: As a certified "babe magnet" at a large high school, for all you girls interested in guys like me — and there are a lot of you — could you please be a little harder to get? When a girl lets me have it too early, it is actually a turn off. I know you get mixed messages, but I assure you, most "bad boys" find it exotic when you say no. If we like you, it gives us a challenge. If we don’t, we respect you for standing up to our charades. Despite what might be said, we do not think you are lesbian or prudish if you say no, we think you are interesting and strong. Saying no will also save you a broken heart. — “J,” Anderson, Calif.

Kira 20, Moraga, Calif. Ask me a question

Fascinating. I’d have never guessed. Most guys go for the easy girls. If they’re looking for a girl who says no, they definitely hide that. It’s not just college. In high school, a popular guy wanted to hook up. I wasn’t as popular, but I played sports and had a lot of friends. When I said no, he dissed me to his friends and was a complete jerk for the longest time afterward.

Peter 25, Monterey, Calif. Ask me a question

“Babe magnet,” LOL! Sorry, this label makes you sound more like a douche bag. If you don't like the reaction you get from girls, try being different. You know, humble, kind, less self-absorbed. I was a nice guy in high school, didn't get many dates. Remained a nice guy in college, got a few. Stayed a nice guy, and now am in a serious, wonderful, mutually-fantastic relationship with a girl I love fiercely. Ever consider that girls are using you as an easy way to feel validated?

Akasha 19, Los Angeles Ask me a question

Hilarious! Many guys do just want sex and if that's all the girl wants, too, no problem. Unfortunately, many girls operate out of desperation and wishful thinking that if they have sex, it will emotionally attach the guy —yet, they’re the ones who get attached! If a girl wants attachment, why wouldn’t she play hard to get? Men like the chase. If you play the field right, even without super looks, you can win an attractive man.

Colin 19, Whittier, Calif. Ask me a question

Ideally, people would BE hard to get, not PLAY hard to get.

Brandon 21, Mapleton, Maine Ask me a question

You may think you’re the voice of the global babe-magnet population, J, but look at battered women statistics. Girls who “stand up to your charades” end up with more than a broken heart. Many are raped, or worse, by their “babe magnet” boyfriends.

I’ve walked in your shoes, and trust me, your Babe Magnet PhD expires soon. Girls become women and start desiring men with class. Class is being a real man with a real agenda for life. Now I'm in college, working two jobs, in a long-term relationship with a wonderful woman who has her life on track, too. We had sex early, because we connected early — not because she was easy. Love isn't a game, J.

Dear “J”: Sorry for the onslaught. You did come across a wee bit arrogant. I appreciate you. You started a much-need conversation — which I thought was about “the chase,” but is really much more serious, as we just heard.

Regarding the chase, both guys and girls lament to me that this enticing phase is rushed or nonexistent. As BMOC, you have an opportunity to become part of the solution. Why not use your magnetism to shut down negative ‘guy talk’ about girls who say no, and teach girls how to avoid dangerous situations and say no safely?

On that note, a kind and loving Valentine’s Day to All!

Editor's Note: Girls: When in the snake pit, avoid the snakes. They do bite — yes, even, and sometimes especially, those charming ones. Our culture is largely a snake pit. To be safe, you have to learn where, how, when, and with whom to hang out, walk, go on a date, say no, etc. America may be farther along than India, as revealed by India’s recent self-examination following the horrific and fatal gang rape in Delhi last December, but we are miles from being a non rape culture.

According to National Institute of Health statistics, 20-68% of teens and 13-27% of college-aged women in America are date or acquaintance raped. Many such date rapists and their victims go on to be in long-term co-dependent relationships with each other. Much of the domestic abuse in our society is such a sick interlocked system between abuser and victim that law enforcement and society turn the other way, not knowing what to do about it.

So listen up girls: If you’ve been bitten by a snake somewhere in this pit during your teen or college-age years (or anytime, that’s just when it is most prevalent), seek help. If you keep getting bitten, seek better help, and don’t put it off. Obviously, something happened to you as a child to make you attract abusers.

And those abusers really aren’t snakes, just human men who were damaged also during childhood.

Guys: The date rape statistics cited above mean that equivalent numbers of you are rapists. You clearly have suffered childhood trauma, otherwise you wouldn’t need to be on a power trip, using force, alcohol, "roofies” (memory-erasing date-rape drugs), or even just charm to knowingly break a girl’s heart in exchange for “empty sex calories.” You need help, too, and I urge you to seek it. Those of you who harm the girls who refuse you — or the others, who stand loyally by your side and ‘take it’ — you have had even worse childhood trauma. You need help most of all. Please don’t put it off. —Lauren

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  1. By Christie, age , from Anaheim, CA on 02/05/2013

    Dear “Babe Magnet”:

    You sound like an arrogant jerk totally full of yourself.  Guys like you take advantage of vulnerable girls, making them think that they need to have sex with you to keep you, then you dump them when they give in because you can’t respect someone who is so “easy” and leave them broken hearted.  I know because it happened to my little sister. However, that doesn’t change the fact there is lots of truth to what you say as there are plenty of guys like you, so it’s actually good that you wrote so hopefully this column will help warn girls about your type.

    My sister is somewhat overweight and not the most attractive girl in the world and has little self-esteem.  She had never had a date and was easy prey for a guy who made her think he wanted a serious relationship if she would “prove her love” by having sex.  Then he dumped her, calling her an “obese slut.”  It’s been three months and she’s still so depressed that I’m really worried that she’s a danger to herself.  The obese comment has made her so paranoid about her body that she can’t even undress in front of her best friend or me, her own sister, even though we’ve grown up sharing a room and were never the least bit shy about nudity in front of each other as it should be with sisters.  I hear her crying herself to sleep every night in our room.

    I sincerely hope she gets over this, but I’m worried that this has done her permanent damage.  I can’t comprehend why guys like you get a kick out of doing this to girls, and I hope that some day you get what you deserve!


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  2. By Lauren Forcella, age , from Sebastopol, CA, USA on 02/06/2013

    Christie—Your sister was bitten badly and needs help. If she was bitten by an actual snake she would’ve been given first aid and an antidote immediately and recovered already. For this snake bite, she needs therapy, the sooner the better. I hope you can encourage her to get it, and/or ask your parents to help with costs. You don’t usually need to tell parents why therapy is needed if this would just make things worse. Usually just saying, “Trust me, she needs it and I’m worried about her,” is enough. She could start with the school counselor immediately and I highly recommend this. I’m worried about her, too… for now and for the future. Huge high five to you for writing in on her behalf. Let us know how things go. Love, Lauren

    *a note about therapists: get referrals if you can from people similar to you who have found a therapist they liked. Therapists vary widely in their personalities and skill sets. People frequently try 2 or 3 before they find the one they can get to work with. What’s important is finding that one and doing the work.

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  3. By Alex, age , from Carmichael, CA on 02/06/2013

    Sometime it’s the other way around.  Some girls do everything possible to turn guys on, then when you get turned on and try to make moves on them it’s “How dare you!”

    Even my own stepsisters have tried to entice me when I’m there on visitations and my dad and their mom aren’t home.  They’ll leave the door to their room half way open when one or both of them has nothing on but a bra or T shirt and thong underwear and sometimes even with no top at all.  They never say anything, but actions speak louder than words.  One time my younger stepsister who’s only 14 went from the bathroom to their room completely nude after taking a shower.  She acted embarrassed and said that she was sorry and forgot I was there and thought her sister was the only on in the house, but I don’t buy it.  These things never happen when our parents are home, so I don’t believe they happen by accident.

    Even though their not my real sisters, I still think it would be wrong to do anything with them, but they have attractive bodies and the temptation is there.  Anyway, I just want to say that girls aren’t perfect either and sometimes do things like this themselves.


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  4. By M.J., age , from Fair Oaks, CA on 02/07/2013

    I was taken advantage of by a guy like “Babe Magnate” and had an experience like Christie’s sister.  I told him I was too young to lose my virginity, so he said that we could “have it both ways” if I would just give him blow jobs.  He said that way he would still get sex and I would still be a virgin.  He agreed to wear a condum so it would be totally “safe.” I was still reluctant, but I didn’t want to lose him, so I gave in.  After a short time, he got bored with me and moved on to somebody else.  To make things worse, he bragged to his friends about what we were doing, so now I have the reputation of being a slut and the decent guys want nothing to do with me.  I feel like one, too. To make things worse, my younger sister who always looked up to me heard about it, and I can tell that it has lowered her opinion of me in her eyes and that really hurts.  She doesn’t say anything to me about it, but she hardly talks to me anymore even though we share a room, and no longer confides in me or asks my advice and can see in her face that she no longer looks up to me as her “big sister.”

    My advice to girls is to stay away from guys like this as one who can say it from experience, it is not worth it!


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  5. By Lauren Forcella, age , from Sebastopol, CA, USA on 02/07/2013

    Alex—So glad you wrote. You are correct that this indeed happens in the other direction. We have received many letters about it, and have done a couple of columns on the subject. You can find them in our TOPIC list under Sex then Incest (even though it’s not technically incest). You’ll be able to tell which ones they are by the titles. You are very wise to catch on and yet continue ignoring these advances. Almost everybody that gives in to this wishes they could turn back the clock. A few minutes of pleasure isn’t worth the years of agony that result. Stay strong!—Lauren

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  6. By Lauren Forcella, age , from Sebastopol, CA, USA on 02/07/2013

    M.J.—Thank you for adding your warning to our readers. Nobody is a better teacher than someone who’s been there. I have the same advice for you as for Christie’s sister: talk to a counselor and work through this. Start with the school counselor right away. If your sister is in high school, you could even invite your sister into a future session and air how badly you feel. Or just seeing a counselor yourself will give you the strength to talk to her about it on your own. Bad things happen to good people; it’s a fact. And if you share your feelings with her about what a mistake you made and how sorry you are, especially for how it has affected your relationship with her, she will probably drop her judgement of you. Heaven knows, she would be wise to. Nobody gets out of life without trials and we need each other to get through them intact.—Lauren

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  7. By C.T., age , from San Fernando, CA on 02/08/2013

    This happened to my twin sister.  We are very close, and she was so devastated that it was all I could do to keep myself from beating the you know what out of the guy.  It also has ruined her reputation and like M.J., decent guys want nothing to do with her.  She doesn’t want our parents to know, so she does her best not to show her feelings in front of them. However, we share a room and can confide in each other about anything and I can see how depressed she is.  Sometimes I have to practically drag her out of our bed in the morning and force her to get dressed.  After seeing what it has done to my sister, I would never do this to a girl.

    Angry Brother

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