Straight Talk Advice

Jun 01, 2005

Advice for graduates goes beyond sunscreen

Dear Readers: Congratulations, graduates! One day a high school student, the next, an adult, right? Well, not exactly. Based on my work with teens, here’s a road map for the journey.

• Do what you’re good at. Embrace your strengths and you’ll find your fortune.

• Do the same when you look in the mirror. Zoom in on your best features.

• Use your credit card for ID only. Deficit spending may work for the government, but it won’t work for you.

• You’re too young to date off the internet. Get out there and be yourself. It’s still the best way to meet someone.

• Want sex appeal? Pick up your hygiene and stand erect.

• If you were born gay, embrace it; the sooner you live your truth, the better for   everybody.

• If you were born straight, realize that tampering with bisexuality makes all shores a little slippery. Be grateful that half the population doesn’t think of you sexually.

• Don’t get your boobs done. If a guy wants that, why would you want him?

• FYI: only all-black tattoos are guaranteed removable.

• Addicted to sugar? Say hello to Type 2 Diabetes: impotence, blindness, loss of limbs. Withdrawal from sugar takes about a month.

• Learn to cook from scratch. You’ll save money now and medical bills later—and guys, want to attract babes? Think homemade sushi.

• Remember how free you were as a kid before you needed coffee? You still can manufacture your own energy. Withdrawals last only a week.

• Like the edge? Try life without drugs or alcohol. The side effect is wide-awake passion and screaming energy. I dare you to try it. I guarantee you’ll be writing me within a year with amazing stories.

• Take technology breaks. It’s proven that too much screen time causes depression and too much text messaging and emailing drops IQ.

• Stressed? Hey, we need daily exercise. We’re dogs basically: pant hard + drink water = wag tail. That’s right…where’s the ball?

• Feeling blue? There are pills for everything, but talking to a counselor can keep you off antidepressants for a lifetime. If it doesn’t, get a new counselor.

• Suicide is the biggest epidemic going. Please keep an eye on each other.

• If you’ve picked up a cigarette habit, hypnosis really does work. Just pay the money.

• Sex without love is highly over-rated. And requires condoms.

• Sex with love is the greatest thing going. However, you still need condoms.

• Are you ready to bring a child into the world? You’re not. Trust me on this.

• Red alert! Unresolved family issues make you prone to dating your mother or father in disguise. Ten sessions of therapy could save you 20 years of lousy relationships.

• Compromise is good in a relationship, but putting your foot down is essential. If your partner can’t handle it, lucky you, he’ll leave. Or she’ll leave.

• Girls: keep your girlfriends when you get a boyfriend. They tend to be around long after the guys have come and gone.

• And girls….cut each other some slack. And stop bashing men.

• Want to change your life? Go six weeks without gossiping.

• Want to know what’s going on? Read the paper. Fifteen minutes a day is twice as informative as an hour of TV news.

• Finally, go to college. It goes way beyond getting a better job.

• And you know what else? Go to college. You will get a better job.


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